Why we love who we love

Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why?

What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?

Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling is our "love map" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.

In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.

Researchers find that that there are many similarities between our ideal mates and our moms. Yes, our mothers -- the first real love of our lives -- write a significant portion of our love map.

When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, and we are forever attracted to people with her facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor.

The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general.

Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men.

In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. We hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same educational backgrounds and career goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much like our own.

What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other? Yes and no. In many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. Physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive.

Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner.

As Winch observed, it's the balancing out of sociological likenesses and psychological differences that seems to point the way for the most solid lifelong romance.

Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.



你見過這樣的夫妻嗎？――兩個人看上去並不般配，婚姻生活卻很幸福。這令你百思不得其解。

是什麼神秘的力量讓我們投入一個人的懷抱，卻疏遠另一個在公平的旁觀者眼中同樣優秀的人呢？

我們心目中的理想伴侶形象受到諸多因素的影響，其中最明顯的因素之一就是「愛情圖譜」――即我們腦中存在的一組描述個人喜好的編碼。它表現出我們對頭髮和眼睛的顏色、聲音、氣味和身材的偏好，同時也記錄了我們所感興趣的性格類型，不管是溫柔友善的，還是堅強沉默的。

簡而言之，我們衷情於或追求那些最符合我們「愛情圖譜」的人。這個「愛情圖譜」主要是在童年時代形成的。我們在八歲的時候，理想伴侶的樣子就已經開始在大腦中漂浮。

研究者們發現我們理想中的伴侶和我們的母親有很多相似之處。是的，母愛――我們生命中的第一份真愛――在我們的「愛情圖譜」上劃了濃重的一筆。

小時候，母親是我們關注的中心，我們也是她關注的中心，所以母親的性格給我們留下了不可磨滅的印象。我們永遠都會被那些和母親有著同樣的容貌、體形、性格、甚至幽默感的人所吸引。

母親對兒子的影響力更大：她不僅向兒子暗示伴侶具有哪些吸引力，而且還影響了他們對女性的總體印象。

正如母親會影響兒子對女性的整體感覺一樣，父親也影響女兒對男性的整體感覺。

除此之外，我們大多數人在具有類似社會背景的人群中長大。我們總是和來自同一個城鎮的人聚在一起；我們的朋友有著幾乎相同的教育背景和職業志向。和這些人在一起，我們感覺最舒服，因此我們傾向於和那些家庭情況與自己相似的人接觸。

如果兩個人的情況完全相反會怎麼樣呢？他們真的相互吸引嗎？是，也可能不是。在很多方面，我們想找另外一個自己。舉例來說，外表迷人的人通常容易被具有同樣魅力的同伴吸引。

西北大學長期研究社會學的教授羅伯特

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