灼傷的美麗

--------------
灼傷的美麗

耳邊時常聽到些噪音，來自邊遠樹林里沒有人聽得見的噪音。什麼噪音，你問了。舉個例子吧，好象有人抱怨說從中國大陸來的女性和台灣，香港，日本，韓國的女人相比之下姿色平庸，不吸引人。這樣的噪音很能啟發人的，你信嗎？這樣的八卦傳言令人放慢腳步，思緒翩飛。

打住，先誇誇咱這耳朵，聽覺不錯哎。

有些不是中國人也非亞洲裔的朋友對中國興趣濃厚，特別是大陸那片神奇的土地，似乎那裡真的有神龍盤踞，四方遊走，塵土樹葉，吞煙吐霧。親耳聽到些高談闊論，書生意氣，什麼現代生活已經從鄉野生活徹底隔離，異化令人不堪忍受，諸如此類。一位詩人在圈內名氣甚高，因為他大聲地問過李白，「告訴我，我的先知，我的流放地在哪裡？」

咱這人天真哪，還懇切建議人家去中國看看，眼見為實么。從未編造過中國如何乾淨整潔的神話，跟日本，香港或者迪士尼樂園比？那簡直是天大的笑話，億萬年的未來吧。我那小學邏輯暴露無遺：對中國感興趣就去中國看看么。對大自然感興趣，特別是那天大地大的巨幅美景，尼泊爾和戈壁灘好像應該是首選。自駕小船橫跨太平洋啊，這個么還是您自己決定吧，乖乖。

有人真的去了中國，令人欣慰。但是回來了就開始抱怨，到處塵土飛揚，這個么我知道。公共設施很差，嗯，這我倒是差點給忘了。廁所氣味很沖，嘿，嘿，嘿，沒看到這裡正在吃晚飯哪？姑娘們姿色平庸，嗯？

有趣的是我沒有聽到一句膽怯的話。原以為景色引人入勝的地方竟然塵土飛揚，這當然令人大失所望了。人類真的異化了，生出一幫大孩子，不敢面對現實，在冷酷的現實面前哇哇叫喚。這其實很正常嘛，娃娃，如果你承認自己害怕了，我可以給你一個溫暖的擁抱。當然被我抱一下不算什麼，但是擁抱畢竟是擁抱吧。

說到哪裡了我這是？我承認一些從大陸來的女人面相嚇人，從臉上能看到長期經受壓抑的痕迹。一個三十歲的人，經歷二十年的政治，經濟，心理煎熬哪有不變樣的。一個動蕩不安噩夢連連的人生會毀滅所有的外形，不分男女，不論強弱。一些外形會在重鎚擊打下發生范型形變，再也無法恢復當初的可愛，這是自然規律呀。適者生存和美麗的存活是不能混為一談的。知道了吧，很多中國女人永遠也不會有來自港台日韓那樣柔和的曲線了，那裡的一些男性都比中國女性柔媚。中國女人能夠如此柔媚么？這個問題值得捉摸。她們想不想？這得問她們了。

有的人隨著時間的推移越發美麗，就像那陳年老酒。但是大部分人會衰老，畢竟生活的道路崎嶇泥濘。忍受過和摯愛兩地分居多年，那幾百個日夜的艱辛就會寫在臉上，影響表情和舉止。再精緻的衣服，再昂貴的化妝品也不能掩飾這些的。確實不能。被人瞧見了，人家會不會笑話？我那靈敏的耳朵明確告訴我肯定會笑話的。嘿，我說過我的耳朵很好。

我有偏見，畢竟經歷相同。我讚賞這樣的美麗，不用化妝的純美。世人應知，真美不用著意裝飾，不用廣告吹噓；真美面世，雙眼坦蕩，沒有掩飾；真美超越閑言碎語的喧囂，輕而易舉。假如這個世界還有良知，就應該面向真美深深鞠躬真誠敬意。

我也能領會這些閑言碎語背後的邏輯。我們畢竟生活在商業社會，美麗有一定的模式，美色是用來消費的。皮膚要面對顯微鏡，形體靠流水線操作。走過煎熬，經歷了悲傷的人們註定要被譏笑，畢竟看上去太不靠譜，太不合轍了。

還有要說嗎？你問我。美麗以柔克剛，思想也罷，體力也好。優雅以精緻彰顯。不要誤解，我每天目睹欣賞艷慕世上各式各樣的美。看到那些聚光燈下笑容恰到好處的尤物，我真是佩服得五體投地。人體美令我陶醉哪，雖然我目睹了太多的艱辛。如果這些尤物也經歷一次我們日子，她們會變成何物？沒有，我一次也沒有這樣自言自語地說過。我從不詛咒任何人，無論年紀或者種族。

聚光燈下，我看見我的兄弟姐妹們面色蒼白，舉止笨拙。他們充其量不過是被灼傷了的美麗。。。現在我明白了為什麼我聽到了很多噪音。我都用不著耳朵，我能看見噪音哩。

英文原文寫於1995年1月。

譯文：2011年10月10日

 

--------------------------

Recently, I hear strange noises, mumbling that originate in far-away forest where no human ears can detect. What noises, you ask? Well, for example, one complaint seems to suggest that Chinese women from the Mainland are plain-looking thus unattractive, compared to the well-preserved babes from Taiwan and Hong Kong and even Japan and Korea. By taking heed to noises as such I am actually enlightened. Can you believe this? Gossip of such kind, you see, slows down my walk and speeds up my head.

Before I go any further, complements to my ears, would you say? They must be good.

Some of my friends, not from the Mainland and not necessarily children of Chinese or Asian descent, were fascinated about China, the Mainland, of course, where real dragons dig their caves, strutting around with dust all over their alligator-skin and spewing real smoke and fire. I remember those episodes because I heard them making profound statements coated with high intellectualism on the unbearable alienation of the modernity of life in the city from that of the country. One of my poet friends gained himself some fame by exclaiming loudly in a poem to Li Po: "Tell me, my sage, where is my exile?!"

I must be naive, for I reached out with all sincerity to suggest them to go to China and see the real country for themselves. I did not try to create any fairytale about how clean China is. Compared to Japan, or Hong Kong or Disneyland, are you kidding me? No, not in a million of years. I laid my elementary school logic out naked in the rain: if you are fascinated about China, a visit should be in order. If you are fascinated in nature, the grandeur of nature and its immensity, Nepal and the Gobi Desert seem to be two of the better choices. Sailing on a small boat across the Pacific, I don't know. You are on your own on that one, babe.

Some people I know went China, and I was glad. When they came back, however, they started complaining. Too much dust, tell me about it. No public facility, wow, I forgot all about that one. The toilet smells, hey, hey, hey, I am having dinner here, would you mind? The girls are plain-looking, hmm?

The funny thing is that I haven't heard a word saying they were scared. It can be very disappointing, to say the least, to find out the out-of-this-world scenery you have imagined all along turned out to be nothing but gray dust. This wonderful alienation has bred a bunch of babies who are simply scared to face reality, truth, and cold and hard facts. That's OK, babe. If you tell me you are scared, I will give a hug. Hey, my hug may not mean too much but a hug is a hug.

All right, where was I? I confess that some of the faces of Chinese women from the Mainland are stunning. I see obvious depression of the long term variety. If you are thirty years old, twenty years of political, economical and psychological turmoil will definitely do you in. A life full of uncertainty and horror will take its toll on any frame, male or female, strong or weak. Natural law dictates that some of the frames will never recover from this relentless pounding. Survival of the fittest is different from survival of the most beautiful. I mean, some of the Chinese women from the Mainland will never achieve or recover that soft-lined curves possessed by some women or even men from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan and Korea. Do they have to? Hey, good question. Do they want to? Go and ask them.

There are people who become more beautiful with time, like good wine as they say. But many lost their natural shape simply because the road they have traveled has been too tumultuous. If you had endured a multi-year separation from the one you love, the misery you have swallowed during those hundreds of days and nights will surface on your face, affect your manner, and influence your demeanor. Clothes, however beautiful, and makeup, however expensive, can't cover it all. They simply can't. When others see this, would they laugh? Well, my sensitive ears tell me that they would and they did. Hey, I told you my ears are good.

I』m biased because I went through the same life. I have great respect to and appreciate the beauty of those women, and men sometimes. They are beautiful without make-up. Let it be known that true beauty does not need make-up or advertisement; true beauty looks at the world in the eye with a smile; true beauty rises above the noise of gossip; if the world has any sense, it will take a deep bow at the feet of the true beauty...

I can also see the logic of the gossip. Here we are, in a society of consumerism, beauty takes on certain shapes and flesh is to be consumed. Skins are under microscopes, shapes are assemble-line formed. Some of the unfortunate ones coming through torturous misery are bound to be laughed at. They don't stand a chance for being so out of the space.

What's more, you asked? Beauty by definition softens strength, be it mental or physical. Elegance displays power by its rich finesse. But don't get me wrong. I for one admire the variety of beauties the world keeps shuffling to my eyes, including those who can laugh with the perfect frame whenever the spotlight is on. Human beauty charms me even though my eyes have seen too much. No, I never even mumbled to myself: what would those beauties become if they had gone through what we did? I don't wish misery to anyone, young or old, Chinese or any others.

Under the same spotlight, I can see some of my brothers and sisters look pale, or even awkward. They are at best beauties scorched...Now, I understand why I am hearing all the noises. I don't have to have ears; I can see noises.

January, 1995

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

衣著亮麗，不等於肩頭負擔輕鬆

也許表情嚴肅，也許對相機不滿

大背景很重要

清晨上班，步履匆匆

車站等車，秩序安然

穿行馬路，模特風範

嘈雜街頭，貓步依然

美麗成雙，邁步並肩