《六人行FRIENDS》中英字幕

[CENTER][SIZE="7"][COLOR="Red"]216 [/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER]



[COLOR="red"][SIZE="5"]One Where Joey Moves Out[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]

JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]

CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?

JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

PHOEBE: Ahh.

RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are.

PHOEBE: Okey-doke.

MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

JOEY: So where you gettin' it?

PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters]

ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder?

PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.

ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?

ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?

MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.

ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'

[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.]

ROSS: Alright, shall we?

MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here.

MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONICA: Happy birthday dad.

MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.

ROSS: Hi ma.

RICHARD: Happy birthday.

MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?

ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.]

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts]

[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]

JOEY: Can you believe this place?

CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.

JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.

CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.

JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

JOEY: Huh?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.

JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.

CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]

MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.

RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]

PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?

RACHEL: Well I. . .

PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.

PHOEBE: Here we go.

RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You're not going?

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?

RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?

RACHEL: What's 1922?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?

RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .

PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!

RACHEL: You?

PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]

RICHARD: How ya doin'?

MONICA: I'm a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.

RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.

MONICA: Alright.

RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.

MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.

[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.]

MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.

MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop.

MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]

JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.

CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.

CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that's how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]

MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen?

MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.

ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]

MONICA: Hey there.

RICHARD: What?

MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.

RICHARD: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]

MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?

RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?

RICHARD: That - that's an idea.

MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.

MRS. GELLER: Oh?

RICHARD: Oh?

ROSS: Ohh.

MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?

ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?

MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]

MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I

MONICA: Mom, it's OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.

ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat]

MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.

MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?

RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]

PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.

RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.

RACHEL: You didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No.

RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.

PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?

RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah me too.

JOEY: I know. Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .

JOEY: No, we're alright.

CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]

JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.

CHANDLER: Lick away my man.

JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.

CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?

JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.

CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.

JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CHANDLER: Well, there you go.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

[Rachel and Phoebe enter]

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

RACHEL: Is Ross here?

MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.

RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]

MONICA: That's great.

RICHARD: Very tasteful.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.

PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder]

RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.

ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]

RACHEL: Well?

ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?

RACHEL: I guess.

ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel's room]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]

JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores]

JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.

CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.]

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street.

CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.

ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]

CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?

JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CHANDLER: Thanks.

JOEY: So, I guess this is it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]


JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.

JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.]

CLOSING CREDITS
END

[CENTER][SIZE="7"][COLOR="Red"]217 / 218 [/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER]


[COLOR="red"][SIZE="5"]The One Where Eddie Moves In[/SIZE][/COLOR]


[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.]

JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.

ROSS: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...

JOEY: Art.

MONICA: Art it is.

ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.

RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.

JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?

ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.

JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.

PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?

RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]

[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]

RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.

CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.

ALL: OK.

PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.

ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]

PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.

ALL: [celebrating more]

PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]

PHOEBE: I'm done now.

ALL: [celebrating]

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]

GUY: What're you doing?

ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]

MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

RACHEL: What's goin' on?

MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .

RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.

MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.

ROSS: [comes out] All yours.

MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

MONICA: Shut up.

ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.

MONICA: Cut it out.

ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.

[Monica goes in the bathroom]

RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]

CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

[Joey's apartment, phone rings]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.

JOEY: Oh, well great.

CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.

JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...

BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]

JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?

JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]

ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But...

ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.

[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.]

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?

MONICA: I was.

ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.

MONICA: Did she leave a number?

ROSS: Did you see me write one down?

MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch.

ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.

MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.

ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?

ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.

MONICA: Give me that.

ROSS: OK.

MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?

JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.

EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.

EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.

JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?

EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

JOEY: Wow.

CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.

JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?

CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.

JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.

CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?

EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?

JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.

[Pheobe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video.

ALL: [cheer]

PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?

PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]

EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?

JOEY: Eddie.

CHANDLER: Morning.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there] Where's the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.

JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.

EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.

CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]

JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.

JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.]

MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.

ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.

RACHEL: Would you guys stop.

MONICA: It's my TV.

ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONICA: Bite me.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.

MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.

RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]

MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?

ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.

MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.

ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONICA: So what're you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.

MONICA: Sure.

PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.

CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don't like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.

CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.

EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.

CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.

[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.]

[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]

PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.
END
________________________________________

218 The One Where Dr. Remore Dies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?

MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.

AMBER: I want you Drake.

DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

AMBER: What?

DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.

[Everyone gasps. The show ends.]

RACHEL: So what happens next?

JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CHANDLER: God that is good TV.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]

CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.

PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your roommate?

CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.

PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?

CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.

PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?

CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]

EDDIE: What was that?

PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.

EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.

PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.

CHANDLER: That was so lame.

PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]

CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]

EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?

CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.

EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...

CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.

EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]

PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.

RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right?

RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.

PHOEBE: I know.

ROSS: Well, we should probably get going.

RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.

MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.

RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.

MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them.

ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.

PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.

PHOEBE: Ok.

RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.

MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.

RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]

TILLY: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hi.

TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?

TILLY: Thanks.

CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in.

TILLY: I'm Tilly.

CHANDLER: Oh.

TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?

CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...

EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what?

CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.

EDDIE: Hello Tilly.

TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.

EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.

TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.

EDDIE: Bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Bye.

[Tilly leaves]

CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish?

EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you?

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]

JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.

PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.

JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.

JOEY: Ooh, I look good.

PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'

PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you  though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?

[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.]

WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.]

JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?

DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.

JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.

DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?

JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.

DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.

JOEY: How can they do this to me?

DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.]

MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.

RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.

ROSS: G'night.

RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.

MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.

RICHARD: Two.

MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?

RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]

RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

[Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.

ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?

RACHEL: Uhhhooo.

ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.

RACHEL: Well, there's you.

ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order.

RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.

EDDIE: Where's Buddy?

CHANDLER: Buddy?

EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.

CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off.

EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?

CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]

RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were  to tell me?

MONICA: Well yeah.

RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.

MONICA: You really ok with it?

RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.

MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.

RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.

RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?

RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.

RICHARD: Right.

MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.

RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]

[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...

ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.

ROSS: Knock-knock.

RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.

ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]

[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]

RACHEL: Oh, hi.

MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.

RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONICA: I know. I just can't find...

RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONICA: You need one too?

RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.

[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left]

MONICA: There's only one.

RICHARD: Monica.

MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]

ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.

RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.

ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?

RICHARD: No.

ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?

RICHARD: I have a little comb.

ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?

RICHARD: A moustache comb.

RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.

MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

RACHEL: Agghhh.

ROSS: So were you in Nam?

RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?

MONICA: Yeah.

RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]

RACHEL: Yeesss.

MONICA: Fine, go have sex.

RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.

ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...

RACHEL: Honey.

ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]

RICHARD: Shall we?

MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.

RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]

CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.

MONICA: Why?

CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?

CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.

RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright.

CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

RACHEL: Oh good.

DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.

DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.

DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright.

AMGER: I love you Drake.

DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.

AMBER: Drake, look out.

DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?

ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.]

ROSS: C'mon.

RACHEL: Joey.

ROSS: Open up. We want to talk to you.

JOEY: I don't feel like talkin.

RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.

CHANDLER: We're worried about you.

MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.

[Joey opens the door]

MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.

CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw.

ROSS: How could you not tell us?

JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.

RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.

JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.

JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.

MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.

CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.

RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]

CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.

EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em.

CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?

EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not.

CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?

EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.

CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.

EDDIE: What's you point man?

CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.

ROSS: Oh man.

RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.

ROSS: You got it.
END
________________________________________

[CENTER][SIZE="7"][COLOR="Red"]219 /220[/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER]



[COLOR="red"][CENTER][SIZE="5"]The One Where Eddie Won't Go[/SIZE][/CENTER][/COLOR]



[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?

EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.

CHANDLER: Why?

EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.

CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.

EDDIE: You want me to sing?

CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.

EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.

CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.

EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?

CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.

EDDIE: Yeah.

CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!

EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?

CHANDLER: Yes please.

EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.

CHANDLER: I want you out.

EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.

CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from before?

EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.

[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself]

EDDIE: I heard that.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.]

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh?

JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have?

MONICA: A mirror?

JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.

MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.

JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.

MONICA: Cache? Jaunty?

JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book?

MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible.

PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you?

RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this?

MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.

PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

RACHEL: Men just take out wind?

PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

RACHEL: Wow.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.

MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard.

PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind.

MONICA: No.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy.

MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones.

PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.

JOEY: Anybody want a croan.

PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is there.]

ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.

JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?

ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

JOEY: No, can we get back to me?

ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.

JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two?

ESTELLE: You're welcome.

JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?

ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em.

JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.

ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.

JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished reading the book.]

RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.

MONICA: Isn't it.

RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.

PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.

ROSS: Hey you guys.

MONICA: Hey.

ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.

RACHEL: NO!

ROSS: No?

RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?

ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.

RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.

MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?

ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?

RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.

RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um.

RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]

JOEY: What is it?

ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.

JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.

ROSS: What, what's that?

JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.

ROSS: Open it, open in.

JOEY: Oh my God.

ROSS: Woah.

JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much money?

ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due.

JOEY: Ahh.

ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?

JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: That audition.

JOEY: That's a two line part.

ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.

JOEY: So what.

ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.

JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.

ROSS: Toilet paper?

JOEY: Yeah.

ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.

JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.

ROSS: I am your friend.

JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.'

ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.

JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.

ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.

JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.

ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...

JOEY: Well don't just say.

ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.

JOEY: Ok.

ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.

JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.]

EDDIE: Hey pal.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?

EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!

CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?

EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.

CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?

EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!

CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...

EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?

CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney?

EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.]

JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.

GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?

JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.

GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?

JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.

GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.

JOEY: What?

GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks by and starts watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!

MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!

CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.

MONICA: I wa-

CHANDLER: Uuuh.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel's with his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.]

EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.

CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

EDDIE: What?

CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!

EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out?

CHANDLER: Uh-huh.

EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?

CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and after a pause comes back in] But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!

CHANDLER: You want some help.

EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket]

[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]

JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.

CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.

JOEY: What?

CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.

JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.

CASTING GUY: That's great.

JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.

CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.

JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the coffee table.]

PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.

MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh.

PHOEBE: What?

MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet guy?

RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.

MONICA: And his puppet too.

PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.

MONICA: Who?

PHOEBE: Paul.

MONICA: Oh.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.

MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.

RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection.

MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.

RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle.

PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.

RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.

MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf blower.

[Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.]

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.]

JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.

ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on?

JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right.

ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.

JOEY: Thanks Ross.

ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.

JOEY: I went.

ROSS: Great, how did it go?

JOEY: I didn't get it.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: You're livin' the dream.

JOEY: Huh?

ROSS: All right then.

JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not my parrot.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: I can't watch this.

ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?

MOVER: 1200.

ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?

JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.

ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?

MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound]

ROSS: Huh.

MOVER: Yeah.

ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man.

JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]

RACHEL: Here are your cakes.

MONICA: We didn't order cake.

RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.

MONICA: You're right.

RACHEL: You know.

PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again.

RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?

MONICA: We're good.

RACHEL: We're good?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.

CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

MONICA: Are you sure this time?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!

EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.

MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's.

EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?

CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?

EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.

CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh, yes.

CHANDLER: So what happened?

EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.

CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.

MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?

EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?

MONICA: Nice.

EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.

PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him?

[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.]

[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]

CHANDLER: May I help you?

EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?

EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.

CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.

EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.

CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.

JOEY: I know I would.

EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.

JOEY: Hey no problem.

CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?

JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...

CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]

JOEY: A little foos?

CHANDLER: Absolutely.

JOEY: What happened to the foosball?

CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.]

CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?

JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it.

CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?

JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.

CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.
END
________________________________________

220 The One Where Old Yeller Dies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfully watching TV.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin?

RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.

PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What're you talkin' about?

PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.

ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?

PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?

RACHEL: That's not the end.

PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?

PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.

RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.

PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV]
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]

JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.

CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.

MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't you ask Richard?

JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?

RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.

RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony]

MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What?

JOEY: I don't know.

MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.

CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off]

JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?

CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.

JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]

ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine, you're fine.

CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello

ROSS: Hi.

SUSAN: Hey.

CAROL: Hi honey.

ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

CAROL: What?

SUSAN: What?

ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.

CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.

SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want.

ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?

CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.

ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-

CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine.

ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared.

SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun.

ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?

PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.

MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

[Chandler and Joey enter]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?

JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?

CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.

MONICA: Really?

CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.

RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best.

JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].

CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].

JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler

CHANDLER: I think they get it.

JOEY: Ok.

[Richard enters]

CHANDLER: There's the man.

JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar]

RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.

JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben.]

MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?

CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.

SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.

ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.

CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping.

ROSS: Buy mommy.

CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.

ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula] Joey, do you know we can see you from here?

JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?

ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.

MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.

JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]

ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.

CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.

MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?

JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.

ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.

CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.

MONICA: You're meeting Richard?

JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.

CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?

MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.

CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys.

JOEY: We're the guys.

MONICA: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?

ROSS: Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]

ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.

RACHEL: No luck huh?

ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length]

ROSS: What're you doing?

RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.

ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.

RACHEL: Ok.

ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football.

RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football.

ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go.

RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.

ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: You think about stuff like that?

ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

RACHEL: Two, two babies?

ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.

RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?

ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.

RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.

ROSS: Huh?

RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?

PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

RICHARD: Charlotte who?

PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.

PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.

MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.

PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.

CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game time.

RICHARD: Hey, be right there.

MONICA: There's a game?

CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.

RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.

MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.

RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'

MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.

RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.

RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.

MONICA: Ok, then just go.

RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]

MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

PHOEBE: Sure.

MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

RACHEL: [enters] Aghh.

PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves]

MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.

RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.

MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles.

ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back there?

RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.

RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.

ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?

RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.

ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

RACHEL: What was the book?

ROSS: The big book of childrens' names.

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.

ROSS: Ok fine.

RACHEL: Thank you.

ROSS: We're not done.

RACHEL: I didn't know that.

ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.

RACHEL: Fine, I will.

ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well I love you too.

ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.

RACHEL: Yes it is.

ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.

RACHEL: Well you better.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.

MONICA: Did you like it?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.]

CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.

RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?

JOEY: Man you are incredible.

RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.

CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.

RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.

MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?

CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play.

RICHARD: Is everything all right?

MONICA: Um-hmm.

RICHARD: Uh-oh.

CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

RICHARD: Well.

JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

JOEY: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: No.

JOEY: Nooooo.

CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.

CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONICA: Nighty-nite.

CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a dad.

JOEY: Not a dad.

CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]

MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place] So are you ok?

RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.

MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.]

ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.

RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello.

CAROL: It's us.

ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]

RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.

BEN: Hi.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.

ROSS: Wha, what?

RACHEL: Ben just said hi.

ROSS: What, the word hi?

RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.

ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.

CAROL and SUSAN: Hello.

RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.

CAROL: What did he say?

ROSS: Something about hi.

SUSAN: That's so exciting.

CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.

RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while.

CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.

ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.

CAROL: Tuesday.

ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.

RACHEL: Take care.

ROSS: Bye Ben.

BEN: Bye.

RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.

SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.

CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting.

ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]

ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.

PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
END

[CENTER][SIZE="7"][COLOR="Red"]221/222/223[/COLOR][/SIZE]



[COLOR="red"][SIZE="5"]The One With the Two Bullies[/SIZE][/COLOR][/CENTER]



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a business channel.]

JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?

MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.

RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job.

ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.

MONICA: Really.

PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.

ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.

EVERYONE: Ahh.

PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.

MONICA: His indian name?

PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.

ROSS: Freakish.

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: Freaky.

MONICA: Weird, weird.

RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?

PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.

MONICA: Why?

PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.]

CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.

ROSS: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?

ROSS: Yeah alright.

[they sit at the couch]

BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats.

ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.

LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we were sitting there.

CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?

LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?

CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for colorful.

BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?

LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?

ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.

[as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself]

CHANDLER: What just happened?

LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.

CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: No?

BIG BULLY: No.

ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.

BIG BULLY: Why should we?

ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...

CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?

BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?

CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.]

RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go?

MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?

RACHEL: So don't do it.

MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.

JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer.

MONICA: I don't want a beer.

JOEY: Who said it was for you?

ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking down] Hhhiiii.

RACHEL: What's the matter with you?

CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.

RACHEL: Noo.

JOEY: You're kiddin'.

ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.

RACHEL: Oohhh.

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug]

CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.

CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.

MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.

JOEY: Do what?

MONICA: Put all my money in me.

RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.

MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back.]

[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.]

JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?

PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.

RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you.

JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck.

PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab]

JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?

RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that?

JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.

RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.

PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg] Hey, hey, no, oh oh.

RACHEL: Run Phoebe run.

PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.

JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?

RACHEL: Are you kidding me?

PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, we have a problem.

JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.

RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the window]

JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no.

RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich] Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?

JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.

PHOEBE: Are you crazy?

JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?

ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls?

BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?

LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.

ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.

BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.

LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.

BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.

CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.

BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.

ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.

GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys were here first.

BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.

LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.

GUNTHER: There you go.

ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that.

LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?

BIG BULLY: You told on us?

ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie]

CHANDLER: Don't play with his things.

ROSS: I know.

BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.

ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?

BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.

CHANDLER: You had to ask.

ROSS: Yeah.

[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting in and tip back]

ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.

LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.

CHANDLER: I think you played the Gunther card too soon.

[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house.]

JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.

RACHEL: What's the matter?

PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.

RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.

JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?

PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again

[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.]

PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?

JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.

RACHEL: Time is money my friend?

JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'

MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?

JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.

RACHEL: How did you make $17.

MONICA: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.

JOEY: How come those?

MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.

RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?

MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.

JOEY: That is so not my motto.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?

PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.

JOEY: Good.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.

RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?

PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'

JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.

PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica]

MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone.

RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes.

JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman.

PHOEBE: So talk to her.

JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]

RACHEL: Why the voice.

JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water.]

CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.

ROSS: Thank you.

[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]

CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.

ROSS: Absolutely.

[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs]

ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water?

CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.

[they both try to drink while continuously stirring]

JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.

CHANDLER: Ok.

ROSS: No.

CHANDLER: No?

ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.

CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.

JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?

ROSS: Yeah, sure.

JOEY: By someone besides Monica?

ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.

CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.

[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning.]

MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: For what?

MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game.

RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game?

MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.

RACHEL: Oh no.

MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.

RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.

MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?

RACHEL: I, I don't have it.

MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.

RACHEL: Nobody does honey.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?

PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.

MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches?

PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.

PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.

MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank?

PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.

FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the corner]

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.

MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.

PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?

MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.

[she turns to leave, Frank follows]

FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?

PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.

FRANK: Heavy.

PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?

FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.

PHOEBE: Oh.

FRANK: Except stilts.

PHOEBE: Stilts?

FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.

PHOEBE: Wow.

FRANK: Yeah.

PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.

FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.

PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'

FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.

PHOEBE: That'll work too.

FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.

PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.

FRANK: Alright.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.

FRANK: Ok, yeah.

PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?

FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.

PHOEBE: Ok.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.]

ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?

CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.

[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks]

CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.

ROSS: I think we proved our point.

CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?

ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.

[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.]

CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.

BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.

ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here.

CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.

LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.

ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?

LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.

CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.

LITTLE BULLY: Alright.

[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]

CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?

ROSS: Whad'ya mean?

CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.

BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.

CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]

BIG BULLY: Or your keys.

CHANDLER: Ok.

LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.

[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]

ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?

BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?

ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.

LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.

BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight] Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?

BIG BULLY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?

BIG BULLY: C'MON!

ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.

CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]

ROSS: Hey.

BIG BULLY: Hey.

[they all run off after the guy]

[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back.]

ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.

LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.

ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.

BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.

ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?

LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.

ROSS: Alright.

CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at a table.]

RACHEL: Look at her.

CHANDLER: Hi Monica.

JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'?

PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs.

CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out.

[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.]

JOEY: Excellent.
END
________________________________________

222 The One With the Two Parties

[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]

MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.

ALL: Ohhh.

MONICA: What?

ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?

MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?

ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

ROSS: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.

MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.

[Joey is staring at Monica's breasts]

MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk.

CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.]

ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.

MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.

PHOEBE: Why not her?

JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.

CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.

MONICA: Joey that is horriable.

JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know.

JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.

[Rachel enters]

ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go?

RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.

CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica.

MONICA: So what happened?

RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.

PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.

MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?

CHANDLER: Why her mom?

MONICA: Cause I already invited her.

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?

JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?

MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.

CHANDLER: Excuse me?

MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.

JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here?

MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?

MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.

MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.

MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.

MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?

CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?

[knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene]

MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica.

[Monica slams the door back shut]

MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.

CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy.

JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.

MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom]

MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that?

MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.

MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel?

CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young.

PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white women.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?

CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.

MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]

PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?

JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.

MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.

CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?

MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area.

JOEY: Right this is staging.

CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.

JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]

[Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.]

CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.

MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross.

CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.

ROSS: Thanks for being born.

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.

ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.

RACHEL: Now I love you even more.

[they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights]

ALL: Surprise.

RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: No, I knew.

ROSS: All right.

MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now.

RACHEL: Why.

MONICA: Just go.

[they walk across the hall]

ALL: Surprise.

MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea.

RACHEL: Daddy.

[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.]

RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?

CHANDLER: Well, we could count again.

RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening.

ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.

RACHEL: I do.

ROSS: That's who.

CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok?

RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.

CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan.

RACHEL: What?

CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.

[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]

CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.

JOEY: Quick volleyball question.

CHANDLER: Volleyball.

JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.

GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back]

RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.

ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?

RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.

[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]

ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game?

MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.

ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going?

GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe...

MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.

PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again.

PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out.

GUNTHER: What?

PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink.

ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want?

MR. GREENE: Scotch.

ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.

MR. GREENE: Neat.

ROSS: Cool.

MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.

ROSS: I know.

[Back at Monica's party]

MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been?

ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink.

ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?

MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.

ROSS: No. no.

MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no?

ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.

MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too.

ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses]

MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny.

PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?

MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything.

PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those?

ROSS: Mine.

MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals?

ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.

MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?

RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames.

ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them.

GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here.

MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.

RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney.

ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene]

MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses?

ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you.

MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?

ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.

[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.

GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?

PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.

GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.

GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?

PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.]

MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.

[Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]

MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?

GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor]

PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.

MONICA: Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.

MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind]

[Back at Monica's party]

RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist?

MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.

RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.

RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.

[Monica's party]

MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat...

MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...

MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...

MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.

MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...

MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...

MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...

MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...

MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...

[Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.]

CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.

RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?

CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.

RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.

CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...

CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]

[Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.]

MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.

MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.

MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came.

MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.

MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.

RACHEL: Oh ok.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Ok.

[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.]

JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe.

MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing.

ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?

MR. GREENE: To get my coat.

GUYS: No no no.

MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.

[the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across]

CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high.

PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.

MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.

PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.

JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.

MONICA: Thank you.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.]

MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.

CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.

JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.

MONICA: Ok, that's enough.

PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.

RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.
END
________________________________________

[CENTER][SIZE="7"][COLOR="Red"]213 /214[/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER]


[COLOR="red"]The One With the Chicken Pox[/COLOR]

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.]

[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.]

RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left.

[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.]

MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first.

CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]

MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee.

CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.

MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.

PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.

[Chandler is visibly upset]

RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.

JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?

PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.

RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?

[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.]

MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

ROSS: [enters] Hiii.

JOEY: Oh no, what happened?

ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox.

ALL: Oh no.

ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.

RACHEL: Well I've had it.

JOEY: Yeah, I've had it.

MONICA: Had it.

CHANDLER: Had it.

PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in her bedroom.]

MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.

RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown.

[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.]

RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?

MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.

RICHARD: What're you doing?

MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie.

RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?

MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.

RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...

MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either way.

MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.

RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.

MONICA: I'm just easing you in.

RICHARD: Oh, alright.

MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.

RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]

CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.

JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job like that?

CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.

CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.

SCOTT: No kidding.

JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

SCOTT: Where do you work?

JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.

CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.

SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...

JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup.]

RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.

MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really do.

PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]

RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.

PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous.

MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.]

PHOEBE: Come in.

RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]

PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up?

RYAN: What's goin' on?

PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.

RYAN: Chicken or small?

PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?

PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.

RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh.

RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

RYAN: Can I please see your face?

PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox.

RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.

PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am scary.

RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.

PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.

RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]

PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'?

JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.

CHANDLER: Well there you go.

JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.

CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?

JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?

CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?

JOEY: I figure my character has kids.

CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.

CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly.]

RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse?

PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it.

RYAN: Fine.

PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...

RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?

PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.

RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No.

RYAN: Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. Ooh, double sixes.

RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.

PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Give it.

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.]

RYAN: Oh God help me.

PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.

[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.]

RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.

ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.

[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.]

JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.

JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.

JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey.

JOEY: What a phony.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.

JOEY: Sir.

MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?

CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.

MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.

JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about?

CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.

MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?

JOEY: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.

CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.

JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.

JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.

CHANDLER: Why?

JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]

RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?

MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.

RICHARD: You're strict.

MONICA: It's for their own good.

RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?

RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

MONICA: Very good.

RICHARD: Thank you.

MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.

RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.

MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time.

RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.

MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?

RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.

MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.

RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.

MONICA: No. See you don't understand.

RICHARD: Come on.

MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.

RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.

MONICA: Oh yeah.

RICHARD: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours.

RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.

MONICA: What if they get mixed up?

RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.

MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]

JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.

CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?

JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.

CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?

JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.

CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.

JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.

CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.

JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.

CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

JOEY: Karen.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

JOEY: Really?

CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional.

JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.

CHANDLER: Thank you.

JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out the door by the face.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.]

PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.

RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders.

RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy.

ROSS: Ok, dinner's on.

RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now.

PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving]

ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.

PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.

[Ross and Rachel leave.]

RYAN: Wine?

PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]

RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.

PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.]

RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

PHOEBE: What?

RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.]

PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]

[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed.]

RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica.

MONICA: What's up?

RICHARD: I thought of a thing.

MONICA: Yeah?

RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.

MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.

RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.

MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.

RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.

MONICA: Alright, go on.

RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.

MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak.

RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?

RYAN: I really can't say.

ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?

RYAN: I can't say.

RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.

RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.

ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.

RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out.

ROSS: Bye Ryan.

RYAN: Pleasure.

RACHEL: It was nice to meet you.

RYAN: Take care.

[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]

RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?

ROSS: You like that do ya?

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.]

RACHEL: Ok.

[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]

RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?

PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]

RYAN: Taxi.

PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform.]

RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.

ROSS: Is this what you had in mind?

RACHEL: I'll say.

[Ross picks her up.]

ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.

RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.]
END
________________________________________

224 The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters]

RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?

JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.

ALL: Who?

JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.

ALL: Wow!

JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.

CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.

JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.

ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.

JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional.

MONICA: Then what's the problem?

JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.

PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: continued from earlier]

CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?

JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.

MONICA: What, forget it!

RACHEL: Yeah, right.

JOEY: Come on, I need your help here.

PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.

JOEY: You see this, this is a friend.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.

JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?

MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.

JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)

ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler)

CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there]

ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.

(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)

PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!

RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.
ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.

RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would.

MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs)

RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.

(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)

PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?

CHANDLER: I may have.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud!

ROSS: What's she look like?

CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!

CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...

ROSS: Get out!

RACHEL: Nooo!

MONICA: Please!

CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.

RACHEL: Wow! What's that like?

CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.

PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.

ALL: Bye, Richard.

MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.

RICHARD: I love you, too.

(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves)

PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

MONICA: What are you talking about? What wedding?

PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that.

MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'

RACHEL:  to ask him?

MONICA: Could not be more terrified.

CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.]

MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is.

RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.

MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.

RICHARD: Okay.

MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?

RICHARD: Sure I do.

MONICA: Yeah, am I in it?

RICHARD: Honey, you are in it.

MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah!

MONICA: Keep talkin'.

RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.

MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?

RICHARD: Like a hound?

MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet.

RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?

MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.

RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RICHARD: Look I want you, now.

MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the internet.]

JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.

CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!

[Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hey!

CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.

JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).

ROSS: Get away from me I said no!

MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.

JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out)

ALL: Bye.

PHOEBE: Bye, good luck.

(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)

PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).

CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.

PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH?

CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.

PHOEBE: Are you the cutest?

CHANDLER: I'm  I might just be.

PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.

CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.

PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy.

JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?

PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.

JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.

CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more?

PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'

CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!

PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman.

CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.

JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).

[Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby]

MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.

RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun.

MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about.

RICHARD: Neither am I.

[Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]

ROSS: Hey, there.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Are you all right?

RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.

ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.

RACHEL: God I know, you're right.

(Annoying wedding planner enters)

WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.

RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.

ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)

RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay.

[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby]

RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me!

ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'

RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.

ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.

RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.

MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!

RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.

MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.

MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.

MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!

MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.

MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.

RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.

MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!

RACHEL: Oh, hi!

MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!

RACHEL: I know.

MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.  


RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.

BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.

RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about?

MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane.

RACHEL: Insane!

MINDY: ...from the syphilis.

RACHEL: What?!

BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]

JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into
his room)

(the computer bing, bongs)

PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?

CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.

(bing, bong)

PHOEBE: Oh, my.

CHANDLER: What?

PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person.

CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.

PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen)

[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.]

MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.

RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.

MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.

BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...

ALL: What?!

BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...

RACHEL: What.

BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)

ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...

RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?

ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.

RACHEL: Oh dear God.

ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.

RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot.

ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach!

BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?

RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I
really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."

ROSS: Marenge,

RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."

ROSS: Everybody!

RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa....

[Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing]

RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it.

MONICA: You'll do what?

RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.

MONICA: Oh my God!

RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team. MONICA: Really?
RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.

MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'

RICHARD: But you're not.

MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.

RICHARD: God. I love you.

MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now?

RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive]

CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?

RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.

CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.

ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...

(Chandler's date walks in)

CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)

JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)

ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]

ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
END

第三紀開始了

我的郵箱是jesizhou@163.com，請發給我，謝謝！

Tks

modebit@yahoo.com.cn,please send me one.Thanks very much!

電郵:shb6235@163.com

非常感謝我也需要

電郵:xchen1@hotmail.com

301-301

301 The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy

[Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]
Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.
All: Did not, she did not wink at you... (sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers) .
Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.
Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were.
Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.
Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?
Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.
(Monica enters from her bedroom)
Phoebe: Hi Monica!
Ross: Hey Mon!
Rachel: Hey Mon!
(she just walks straight into the bathroom)
Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
Ross: Nope.
Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.
Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.
Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]
Chandler: Morning.
Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.
Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.
Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.
Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.
Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.
Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.
Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.
Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.
Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.
Chandler: Nope, not this time.
Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me.
Chandler: I'm not yanking you.
Joey: This is Janice.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.
Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.]
Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
Rachel: What?!
Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this?
Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.
Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
Monica: God, what is wrong with me.
Ross: You need to get some sleep.
Monica: I need to get some Richard.
Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!
Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.
Monica: What are you the memory woman?
Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.
Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.
Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?
Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?
Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?
Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.
Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed]
Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering....
Ross: Hmm?
Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?
Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.
Rachel: Hmm.
Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.
Rachel: You remember not having sex in high school, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well honey, what about you?
Ross: What?
Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Come on you gotta have one!
Ross: Nope.
Rachel: Ross, you know what...
Ross: What?
Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it.
Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.
Rachel: Oooh!
Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there]
Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.
Rachel: Really!
Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.
Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
Rachel: Really! That-that great huh?
Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!
Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey!
Rachel: Hi you guys!
Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.
Rachel: Mon. Hi!
Monica: Hi.
Rachel: Why aren't you at work?
Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.
Rachel: Why?
Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey.
Monica: I know I do.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: Guess what?
Rachel: What?
Ross: They published my paper.
Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.
Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Rush_ore.]
[Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Wheel!
Chandler: Of!
Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!!
Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?
Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?
Chandler: No, Janice.
Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers.
Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?
Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled) . Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair) ?
Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!
Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.
Chandler: Well, there you go.
Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?
Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!
Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering]
Ross: How could you have told her?
Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal.
Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal.
Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that?
Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff.
Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'.
Rachel: Were both of those Joey?
Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.
Rachel: Not even with your best friend.
Ross: Noo!
Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.
Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything?
Rachel: Pretty much.
Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?
Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.]
Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.
Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine.
Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!
Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.
Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything.
Monica: All right, I'll try not to.
Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky....
Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?
Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees....
Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.
Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook....
Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's]
Janice: So, I hear, you hate me!
Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.
Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.
Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there...
Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together.
Joey: But what does that gonna do...
Janice: For Chandler!
Joey: Okay. I'm in.
Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'
Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?
Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.
Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering]
Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civ)l War.
Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home?
Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)
Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?
Chandler: Umm, yeah.
Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....
Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?
Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?
Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?
Ross: Nooo!
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.
Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing....
Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: I know!
Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.
Ross: Hmph.
Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know... (Ross just stares at him) . You don't know!
Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?
Chandler: You said...
Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down) .
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are returning from their DAY OF FUN!]
Janice: We're baack!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What are you guys doing together?
Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs)
Chandler: Really.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy.
Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)
Chandler: You still can't stand her can you?
Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.
Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.
Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.
Chandler: Well, I guess that's something.
Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler: Oh God!
Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil War videos]
Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt) , 4:30 A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bombardment by....
(Monica answers the door)
Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?
Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking cigars?
Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?
Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay?
Mr. Geller: I saw Richard.
Monica: Oh.
Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing?
Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing?
Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know.
Monica: No, I really, really do.
Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!
Monica: Really!
Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.
Monica: You're not just saying that are you?
Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess.
Monica: Was he crying?
Mr. Geller: No.
Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry?
Mr. Geller: Maybe.
Monica: I think so.
Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.]
Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?
Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is)
Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here.
Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)
End

302 The One Where No-one's Ready

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet]
Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.)
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey, mister tux!
Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed?
Joey: We have a half hour.
Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight.
Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.
Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.
Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move)
Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.
Ross: Really.
Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier?
Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.
Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider?
Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done.
Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.
Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.
Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.
Joey: Glass of fat?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting nervous]
Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?
Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it?
Joey: Am I in it?
Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.
Phoebe: (entering) Hello.
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Whoa!
Ross: Wow, hello! You look great!
Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.
Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star.
Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.
Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up.
Joey: What?
Chandler: You're in my seat.
Joey: How is this your seat?
Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there.
Joey: But then you left.
Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back.
Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.
Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.
Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there (points to the bathroom) . Soo...
Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..
Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!
Monica: (entering) Hi.
All: Hey.
Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!
Phoebe: All right all ready.
Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic?
Ross: That's, that's funny. Change!
Monica: Hang on a second I just got in.
Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait.
Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.
Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Chandler look at each other)
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up an outfit) does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.
Monica: Rach, did you check the machine?
Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.
Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up.
Joey: All right! You can have the chair.
Chandler: Really!
Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers)
Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" (to the guys) Is that too spooky?
Ross: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!"
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?!
Ross: Nevermind.
Richard: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard. Call me."
Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or new?! Old or new?!
Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep?
Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?
Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.
Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did?
Monica: Huh?
Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. (Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room.) There we go, there we go.
Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)
Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!
Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe.
Joey: I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?
Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?!
Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus.
Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?
Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.
Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.
Monica: So, should I call him back?
The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room and stops) NO!
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: All right! (jumps up)
Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay.
Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)
Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened?
Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus.
Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket?
Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though.
Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on.
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.
Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?
Monica: I called him.
All: Nooo.
Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy?
Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.
Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough.
Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that?
Monica: I know the code to his answering machine.
Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing.
(Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins)
Richard: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone."
Machine: "You have two new messages."
Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.'
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."
Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy.
Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay.
Joey: Now she sounded breezy.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier]
Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.
Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.
Monica: Well, who's voice was that?
Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.
Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?
Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.
Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.
Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!
Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?
Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.
Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you.
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"
Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave)
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence.
Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck)
Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.
Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!
Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?
Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: (shyly) The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?!
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence!
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.
Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.
Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?
Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)
Chandler: He's got nothing!
Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready.
Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!
Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!
Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?
Ross: Just, just, just pick one!
Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?
Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?
Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.
Rachel: But I...
Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.
Rachel: All right.
Ross: Thank you!
Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.
Ross: It was, it was her voice.
Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.
Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello?
Monica: Okay. That was her right?
Phoebe: Definitely.
Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.
Ross: Yay!
(phone rings)
Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that.
Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that....
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.
Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.
Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)
Chandler: They got a phone in there, right?
Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.
(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt)
Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.
Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo.
Ross: You're not going to go.
Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.
Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going?
Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.
Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...
Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.
Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.
Rachel: It's fine.
Ross: No, but, your-your mad.
Rachel: I'm not mad.
Ross: No.
Rachel: I'm just not going.
Ross: Your not going.
Rachel: Right.
Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.
Rachel: Um, hum.
Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'
Rachel: No.
Ross: No, because your not upset.
Rachel: Right.
Ross: About the yelling.
Rachel: Right, and the humiliating.
Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.
Rachel: Um, hum.
Ross: We're good.
Rachel: Right.
Ross: Okay. Honey?
Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)
Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.)
Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she comes into the living room carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed.
Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?
(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Chandler: Oooo-ooh!
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)
Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!
Chandler: Jeez, what a baby.
Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.
Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.
Joey: You could drink the fat.
Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.
Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I think you should drink the fat.
Joey: Yaaaay!
Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.
Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.
Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)
Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!
Ross: You will?!
Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?
Ross: Well, yeah.
Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat.
Joey: Let's see what else he'll do!
Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler) You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica!
(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)
Chandler: Stop it. Stop it!
(Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)
Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!
Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.
Machine: You have three new messages.
Monica: Not any more!

接上：

Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone.
Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.
Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed.
Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!
Phoebe: How did you do that?
Monica: I don't know!
Machine: Good-bye.
Monica: Noooo!!!!
Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number.
Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.
Ross: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!
Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to spare. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven seconds.
Ross: So we're a little late.
Rachel: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the way....
Ross: What?
Rachel: I'm going commando, too.
Ross: Awwww!!!
Closing Credits
[Scene: At the banquet]
Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.
Ross: Wow! What a pleasure.
Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.
Chandler: Excuse me. Hi.
Whitfield: Yes?
Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.
Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat?
Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there.
Whitfield: But, you got up!
Chandler: But, I never left the room!
Whitfield: But, you left the chair area.
Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.
End

303 The One With the Jam

Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.]
Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!!
Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.
[Joey and Chandler enter]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Aww, is it broken?
Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)
Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.
Joey: What is this? Fruit?
Rachel: Monica's making jam.
Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)
Joey: This will just be my batch.
[Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.]
Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.
Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....
Phoebe: What?
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Guy: Wh..
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.
Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.
Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
Guy: Not really.
Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.
Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the flowers he bought.)
Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
Guy: Yeah, okay.
Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.
Guy: Sorry.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
Rachel: Mon?
Ross: Mon?
Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'
Ross: Wait a minute, look.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Look, look, look.
Rachel: What, what, what?
Ross: It's an empty apartment.
Rachel: Oooh.
Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)
(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)
Ross: There it is.
Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Do I look fat?
Ross and Rachel: Noo.
Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
Rachel: Nooo!
Ross: And it works both ways.
Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim.
Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down?
Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
Rachel: Good luck Chandler.
Chandler: Thank you Rachel.
Ross: Bye sweetie.
Rachel: Bye hon.
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.
Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...
Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)
Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.
Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.
Ross: Yep.
Chandler: Okay, one question.
Ross: Shoot.
Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam]
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi!
All: Hey, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.
Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.
Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs)
Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.
Monica: (entering) Hey guys.
All: Hey Mon.
Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry curin.
Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand) , or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
Joey: Put your hands together.
Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
Joey: No more jam?!
Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan?
Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Are you serious?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.
Chandler: That, that's what's stupid.
Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.
Rachel: Down at the docks again?
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling]
Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff]
Malcom: Here's my binoculars.
Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)
Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?
Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit.
Malcom: It's about you.
Phoebe: Oh, okay then.
Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.
Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking?
Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.
Phoebe: Really?
Malcom: No.
Phoebe: Oh.
Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]
Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us.
Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....
Monica: You're gonna what?
Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom.
Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
Ross: Crazy.
Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....
Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?
Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers!
Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Monica: Joey, this is you!
Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.
Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler: And that's how you bought it?
Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.
Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo!
All: Hey.
Ross: How's the maniac?
Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.
Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.
Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.
Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her?
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?
Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.
Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
[Scene: Central Perk]
Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)
Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
[Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.]
Malcom: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.
Malcom: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)
Malcom: Were you following me?
Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.
Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Where you going?
Monica: To the bank.
Joey: Sperm or regular?
Monica: Sperm.
Joey: So you're really doing this, huh?
Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
Joey: Sounds nice.
Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...
Joey: No kiddin', hmm.
Monica: What?
Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.
Monica: Really? Why?
Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.
Monica: Hoyt?
Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool.
Monica: Really, is he a swimmer?
Joey: He's got the body for it.
Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?
Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.
Monica: We do not have one of those signs.
Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.
Monica: Two girls and a boy?
Joey: Yeah!
Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds good too.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again) .
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]
Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.
Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your... (points to her whole face)
Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Did I get it?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: (entering) Hello.
Rachel: Hello.
Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler: Sure. What's up?
Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head with a magazine)
End

304 The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.]
Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again!
Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.
All: Shhhh!
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: And there is Kevin.
Joey: Can we please turn this off?
Rachel: Noo way, Kevin.
Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.
Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?
Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
(They all start laughing at him)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.]
Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good movies.
Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)
Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, man. What's up?
Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!
Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.
Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me!
Joey: How is it you?
Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand)
Joey: Yep, that's my audition.
Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.
Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing) .
Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'
Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.)
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'
Chandler: Is anybody else scared?
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck)
Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]
Carol and Susan: (entering) Hey!!
Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.
Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?
Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.
Carol: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it?
Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I.
(cut to later in the day)
Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)
Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow)
Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.
Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.
Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.
Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.
Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?
Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.
Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?
Chandler: Noo.
Ross: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.
Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'
Rachel: Men are unbelievable.
Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?
Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.
Joey: Hey, you know about that?!
Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!
(Joey looks quizzically at Ross)
Ross: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment.
Chandler: Do we have any... (turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?
Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.
Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense.
Chandler: You think?
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off]
Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?
Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.
Joey: Come on baby, come on!
Phoebe: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'
Rachel: Very nice touch.
Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next.... (hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel.
Rachel: Unbelievable.
Joey: Thank you so much.
Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.
Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.
Joey: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.
Phoebe: Two?
Joey: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.
Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
Joey: Nooo, four.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner]
Janice: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)
Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.
Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.
Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.
Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.
Janice: We should?
Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!
Janice: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.
Janice: You probably want us to move in together?
Chandler: It doesn't scare me!
Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um... (starts to leave)
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler]
Rachel: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream)
Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.
Rachel and Monica: Uff.
Monica: That is never good.
Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy.
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler: She said she'd call me.
Rachel and Monica: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain)
Chandler: Oh God.
Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
Rachel: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.
Monica: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
Rachel: Yeah, you do.
Chandler: So, you don't think I'm terminal?
Monica: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.
Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
Rachel and Monica: Nooo!
Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.
Monica: She has to know that your not ready.
Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.
Chandler: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
Rachel: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
Chandler: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
Rachel: Oh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
Rachel:G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?
Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!!
Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave)
Joey: Pheebs! There you are!
Phoebe: No it's not, sorry.
Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway)
Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those....pants.
Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Joey: It's okay, these things happen.
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly)
Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.
Joey: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.
Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
Joey: They actually said that?
Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...
Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.
Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
Ross: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandler's door, dead.)
[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.]
Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!
Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.
Janice: What are you doing here?
Chandler: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?
Janice: Are you being British?!
Chandler: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.

接上：

Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
Chandler: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)
Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
Janice: Where is this party?
Chandler: Here in Chelsea.
Janice: Who's party is it?
Chandler: A woman's
Janice: What woman?!
Chandler: (shyly) Chelsea.
Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by)
Chandler: Can I be that guy?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]
Phoebe: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.
Joey: Okay, shoot.
Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey: I didn't get it?
Phoebe: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.
Joey: Okay, what else?
Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.'
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'
Joey: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand.
Joey: You do, thanks.
Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)
Joey: Wait a minute.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.
Phoebe: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.
Joey: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what I suspected-ah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting him again.]
Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
Monica: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.
Chandler: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?
Rachel: Yeah, it is.
Monica: You know what, everything's gonna be okay.
(phone rings)
Chandler: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?
Rachel: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.
Monica: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Hello!
Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel: Yes, and grumpy.
Chandler: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!
Rachel: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
Chandler: (on phone) I love you too.
Monica: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into the 'good' ice cream)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]
Carol:G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!
Ross: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.
Susan: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Ross: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'
Monica: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
Ross: What?
Monica: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.
Ross: Okay, you are totally making this up.
Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea.
Ross: (remembering) Oh God.
Susan: I've literally never been this happy.
Monica: Wasn't there a little song?
Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song.
Ross: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song!
Monica: (singing) 'I am Bea.'
Ross: Okay.
Monica: 'I drink tea.'
Ross: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom)
Monica: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '
Ross: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance around with me.
Monica: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in the bathroom)
Closing Credits
[Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring himself/herself some tea.]
Young Ross: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with....' (spills some tea and it drips onto his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away crying)
YoungMonica: (entering the shot) Ross!!! (starts to wipe up the spill)
End

305 The One With Frank Jr.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, there is lumber all over the apartment]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?
Joey: No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?
Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max.
Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug.
Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's.
(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.]
Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Any sign of your brother?
Phoebe: No, but he's always late.
Rachel: I thought you only met him once?
Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.'
Rachel: Well relax, he'll be here.
Phoebe: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.
Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside)
[Scene: inside Central Perk]
Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.
Joey: Her what?
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.
Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica: So, Chandler, who's on your list?
Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league?
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.
Joey: It's just a game Mon. (makes a 'Can-you-believe-her' face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.
Ross: Spiderman?
Rachel: Hardy Boy.
Chandler: Peter Parker.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list?
Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I'll divide my perspective canidates into catergories....
Chandler: (coughing) What a geek!
Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.
All: Oh, hi.
Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
Frank: How are you?
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: Chandler.
Chandler: Hi.
Frank: Hi.
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: Hey-hey!
Frank: Hey.
Phoebe: This is Monica.
Frank: Whoa!
Phoebe: And this is Rachel.
Rachel: Hi!
Frank: Whoa!!
Phoebe: I'm gonna get coffee.
Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done?
Chandler: We don't, really.
Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything.
Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
Chandler: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city.
Joey: I know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandler's head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.]
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!
Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!!
Joey: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to Monica's.
Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
Monica: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982?
Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.
Monica: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?
Joey: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)
Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.
Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer) . This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.)
Monica: That's a little more than I wanted to see.
Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him)
Monica: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the floor.)
Joey: Eh! There you go.
Monica: You know that's nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV]
Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew!
Frank: What?
Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad.
Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it)
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but can't)
Frank: Your not doing it.
Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can't. We don't have that....
Frank: When's your birthday?
Phoebe: Feburary 16th.
Frank: I know a guy who's the 18th.
Phoebe: Wow, that's close. When's yours?
Frank: October 25th.
Phoebe: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?
Frank: Melt stuff.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list]
Ross: Okay, I've got three of my five.
Rachel: Three of your five, what?
Ross: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.
Ross: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.
Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?
Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely....
Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.
Ross: Susan Sarandon.
Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.
Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini.
Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around.
Rachel: So?
Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.
Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.]
Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Frank: Yeah.
Phoebe: So is it like art?
Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?
Frank: No, I wanna melt it.
Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.
Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah!
Phoebe: G'night, bro.
Frank: G'night.
Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Y'know, just in case.
Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire extinguisher's hose.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with num-chucks on the balcony]
Monica: What kind of karate is that?
Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up.
Monica: So how's it going with you guys?
Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just thought y'know that he'd feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and....
Monica: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and.... (Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn't understand) That's where the waistband actually goes over your head.
Phoebe: Ah!!
Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.
Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Phoebe: I just asked you.
Monica: I just asked you.
Phoebe: I don't have time for this.
Monica: No, that is what the game is.
Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly.
Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey?
Monica: What's the matter?
Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y'know what it's my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish.
Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles.
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: He's retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom)
Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!
Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it.
Chandler: He started mine first!
Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]
Frank: Whoa! Big octopus.
Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it) 'Hello. (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can't someone else do it. (listens) But, I have company. (listens) Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' (hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um.
Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do?
Phoebe: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.
Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?
Phoebe: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!
Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.
Phoebe: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?
Frank: You mean like watch?
Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
Frank: Well, I don't think this, y'know.
Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.]
Monica: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for?
Chandler: What, like a number?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom)
Ross: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final. (holds up a little card)
Rachel: Well, it's about time.
Joey: Ooh, very official.
Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.
Monica: And who laminated it?
Ross: That would be me.
Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
Ross: Hey, it's my list.
Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
[Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe's work) , Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.]
Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!
Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What's going on?
Frank: She broke my arm.
Girl: He touched my fanny.
Frank: No, she touched mine first!
Girl: That's my job!
Frank: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?
Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!!
Phoebe: You can't have sex with her!
Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker?
Frank: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.
Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes.
Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don't like you!! (leaves)
Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that's what you thought I did!! God! That's not what I do!
Frank: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do?
Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that?
Frank: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know.
Phoebe: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.
Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.
Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect?
Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know.
Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?
Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...
Phoebe: I don't....
Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.
Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you 'cause y'know you're my sister, y'know.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.
Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.
Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know.
Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry.
Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this.
Frank: This?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker...
Phoebe: She wasn't a hooker.
Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment center into place]
Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two....
Joey: Why don't we just go on two.
Chandler: Why two?
Joey: Because it's faster.
Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: All right, but in the future...
Ross: Okay!! Okay!!
Rachel: Come on!
Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
Chandler: Okay, one...two...
Joey: So we are going on two?
All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.)
Chandler: Oh, good job Joe.
Joey: Wow, it's big!
Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!
Joey: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Joey: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.
Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 'bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn't move.)
Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.]
Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
(Isabella Rosselini enters)
Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you.
Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.
(Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing 'Oh my God'
Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)
Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God.
Ross: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.
Monica: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it?
Ross: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie.
Ross: What you don't think I'd go up to her?
Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate.
Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.
Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or maybe reimburse you for that one?
Isabella: Aren't you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery.
Isabella: I'm sorry. (starts to leave)
Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...
Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?
Ross: Um, yeah.
Isabella: May I see it?
Ross: Um, no.
Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list)
Ross: But, okay.
Isabella: (reading it) I'm not on the list!
Ross: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.
Isabella: It's laminated!
Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
Isabella: Y'know it's ironic...
Ross: What?
Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves)
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We're just gonna be friends.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are admiring the entertainment center]
Joey: Y'know what?
Chandler: Umm?
Joey: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center)
Chandler: I've got five bucks says you can't.
Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister.
Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash.
(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the door on Joey.)
Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit!
Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won't open) I'm out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.
Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are on me!
End

306 The One With The Flashback



[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there including Janice.]
Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?
Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
Ross: I'm sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Joey: Well, that's really a different question.
Janice: I'm sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica and Rachel: What?!!
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go?
Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost?
Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee?
Ross: Yeah, I'll take some.
Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there]
Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.
Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I'll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I'm sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
Phoebe: You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Monica: Oh, then it must've been you. Bye. (leaves)
Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That's why I moved out.
Ross: Hey, y'know while we're on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don't live here anymore.
Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows.
Ross: Phoebe, she doesn't know that you sneak out every night, she doesn't know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn't know that you've been living with your Grandmother's for a week now.
Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.
Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-whoa, short message.'
Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table) , foot on the floor or come over no more!
Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.
Monica: What?
Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...
Chandler: Umm, how's it going with you guys?
Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn't really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it's gonna make a difference
[Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing a potential roommate.]
Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?
Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that's cool.
Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.
Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister's beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she's a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half)
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you're chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
[Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing Joey.]
Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye.
Joey: Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any questions?
Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What's up?
Joey: Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don't worry I'm totally okay with the gay thing.
Chandler: What gay thing?
Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I'm totally cool with that.
[Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.]
Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.
(Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him)
Monica: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler 'Oh my God!')
[Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hey, Mon.
Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.
Chandler: Do I ever.
Monica: Chris says they're closing down the bar.
Chandler: No way!
Monica: Yeah, apparently they're turning it into some kinda coffee place.
Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?
Monica: Got me.
Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate?
Chandler: You betcha!
Monica: Is it the Italian guy?
Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right!
Monica: He's so cute.
Chandler: Oh yes, and that's what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.
Monica: Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack 'em up. I'll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Chandler: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool.
Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don't think this is.
Waitress: I am so sorry.
Rachel: That's all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?
Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS
Rachel: Ummm, I think it's time to see the ring again. (holds her hand out and they all scream)
Friend No. 2: Oh, isn't it exciting, I mean it's like having a boyfriend for life.
Rachel: Yeah, I know.
Friend No. 1: What?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. Well maybe it's just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don't know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely)
Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!
Friend No. 2: You're so bad!
Rachel: I'm serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see.
(Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.)
Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel: Yeah, so?
Chandler: (picks it up) And now I've picked it up again. (walks over to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, her ring)
Monica: Oh my God, you can't even see where the Titanic hit it.
Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor, thank you very much.
Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations
Rachel: Thank you. So how-how 'bout you, are-are you seeing anybody?
Monica: Aww, not right now.
Rachel: Oh, but that's okay.
Monica: I know.
Rachel: Yeah.
(An awkward silence)
Monica: So, I'll get-get back to my friend.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a 'Remember me?' thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I'm in the city?
Monica: Oh, that'd be great.
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Bye!
Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]
Ross: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Phoebe: So what are they doing?
Ross: I don't know, something girlie.
Phoebe: (to Monica, who's entering) Hey, you're early.
Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?
Phoebe: I'm just taking it to be re-wired.
Monica: Oh, well don't take it to the same place you took the stereo, 'cause they've had that thing for over a week.
(There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles)
Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Phoebe: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down. (slams the door in his face.)
(in the hallway, Eric is moving in)
Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
Eric: Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new roommate.
Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roommate.
Eric: I-I-I don't think so.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler's new roommate.
Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric: That's weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)
(inside Chandler's apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
[Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is leaving.]
Monica: Hi, again.
Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)
Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!
Monica: Thank you soo, much.
Chandler: Oh, don't thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
(Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up a heavy box)
Monica: You want some help with that?
Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I don't!
Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?
Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
Monica: It's the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and then pulls it away) And-and the humidity.
Joey: That's a uh, that's a tough combination.
Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Joey: Like you wouldn't believe. (they go into the apartment) Wow! This is a great place.
Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
Joey: Gotcha.
Monica: This place is really my Grandmother's. (Joey starts to take off all of his clothes, while Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I'm 87 year old woman, who's afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty?
Joey: Oh, you bet I am!
Monica: (turning around) Okay, here's your penis!
Commercial Break
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Monica: So?!
Joey: Whoa, ah!! We're you just gonna give me some lemonade?
Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
Joey: Oh right, right.
Monica: I don't believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex?
Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I'm such a jerk.
Monica: It's okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is vacuuming.]
Monica: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Monica: Where's your bed?
Phoebe: It's not in the apartment? (Monica gives a 'Come on' look) Oh no. I can't believe this is happening again.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I've, I don't live here anymore.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I-I-I-I don't live here anymore. I-I didn't know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows!
Monica: Everybody knows!
Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn't sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.
Phoebe: Yeah, I would've except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side.
Monica: What?!?!
Phoebe: Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill.
Monica: You can spill. In the sink.
Phoebe: Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don't see that happening.
Monica: I love you, too.
Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?
Monica: What? I'm just said.
Phoebe: No you're not, you're wondering which cushion it is.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his bedroom.]
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
Joey:Baywatch.
Chandler: What's it about?
Joey: Lifeguards.
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who's she?
Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
(Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.)
Chandler: Wow! Look at them run.
Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
Chandler: Yeah, I'll go get one.
Joey: No, no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right here.
[Scene: Monica's, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Well, hello!
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Do you have any beers? We're out of beers.
Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself.
Chandler: You okay?
Monica: Phoebe moved out.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: I don't understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don't have a boyfriend?
Chandler: Noo!! You don't have a boyfriend because....I don't, I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.
Monica: Well, I think so.
Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life.
[Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the bar, they are the only two in the place.]
Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody?
Phoebe: Oh, it's already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong?
Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why?
Ross: 'Cause Carol's a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And, and I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix and match situation.
Phoebe: Oh my God! I don't believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.
Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I'm an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I'd be out and she'd, she'd see some beautiful woman, and, and she'd be Ross y'know look at her, and I'd think, God, my wife is cool!
Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?
Ross: Well, now I do!!
Phoebe: I'm sorry.
Ross: Seven years. I mean we've been together seven years, she's the only woman who's ever loved me, and the only woman I've-I've ever....
Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh. (goes over and hugs him)
[Scene: Monica's, Chandler and Monica are still hugging each other.]
Chandler: Umm, this is nice.
Monica: I know, it is isn't it?
Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?
Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too.
Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.
Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, it's, it's gonna be....
Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves)
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
Ross: Maybe this would've happened if I'd been more nurturing, or I'd paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can't believe this!
Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don't deserve this, you don't Ross. You're, you're really, you're so good. (kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: And you're so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And you're kind (kisses him on the lips)
Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips)
(They pause, and they the start kissing passionately, and taking off each others clothes, and they start to lie down on the pool table.)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe: Huh?
(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking the balls to the other end of the table, but they all bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw them into the pockets.)
Phoebe: Okay, it's okay.
(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool table.)
Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: No, I can't get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear.
Ross: No, come on don't start. (they start kissing again) Ouch!
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)
(They both look at each other and start laughing (Lisa almost lost it there) , and sit up. Ross hits his head on the lamp again.)
Ross: Oh well. It probably would've been the most constructive solution.
Phoebe: You have chalk on your face.
Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gang enters)
Phoebe: Oh, Ross you're right, I don't know why I always thought this was real grass.
Monica: Hey, are you okay?
Ross: My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: Cool!!
Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)
Ross: Hi.
Closing Credits
[Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel enters.]
Chandler: I can't believe you came back.
Rachel: Don't say anything. I don't wanna speak, I don't wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now.
(She hits the jukebox Fonzy , and It's That Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.)
Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her dream, she's in her car driving back from the city)
Rachel: What?
Friend No. 2: You missed the exit!
Rachel: Oh, sorry.
Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about?
Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry.
Her Friends: Awwww!!
End

307 The One With the Race Car Bed


[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out.....
Rachel:I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
Monica:Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler:If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther:What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe:Who's singing?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they're watching Happy Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
Joey: Booo!!
Chandler: (to Janice) Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: (on TV) 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I'm appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]
Rachel: 'Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.' (hangs up)
Ross: We?
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'.
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) I'll go.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we'll see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Guess what?
Ross: What?
Joey: I got a gig!
All: Yay!!
Chandler: See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
Monica: What's the part?
Joey: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That's great.
All: Wow!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the 'that went right over your head' motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he's done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]
Joey: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.'
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Joey: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Okay.
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there. (points to Monica's room)
Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a problem?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren't acting Christian enough.
Joey: Ahh!
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
Joey: Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's nose, causing it to bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: 'Kay, put your head back.
Joey: All right. I can't see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How's the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. Green: You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: Yeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
Ross: It's not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don't know to the waiter.)
[Scene: After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy.
Ross: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers.
Ross: So?
Rachel: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change.
Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I don't.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn't looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you don't need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really.
Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Joey: Hey-hey.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
Joey: You bet! What's the part?
Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the '232 divided by 13 bad news' look.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]
Rachel: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachel's, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel: Um. yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's room)
Rachel: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'
Rachel: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we're never gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I'll get the bagels.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) What's this?
Phoebe: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you must've won like a contest or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
Monica: Phoebe!
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.
Chandler: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: It's Monica's bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was... (points to his pocket) Tweezers?
Student: No.
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I might've said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
Monica: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore.
Rachel: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? What's with the neck?
Rachel: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Dr. Green: You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa!
Ross: Thank you! That's what I keep saying.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Ross: Uh.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?