A collection of choice specimens of funny jokes/笑話集錦

[CENTER][B]9. Going crazy with confusion[/B][/CENTER][/COLOR]
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

[CENTER][B]10.Dangerous and sometimes fatal traditions[/B][/CENTER][/COLOR]

In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen of them.

I think I'll stick to the tradition of throwing rice--it seems much less dangerous.

wow, you've got so many!

and i like "going crazy with confusion" the most.

一對情侶吵架
女：「你每一樣東西都比不上任何人！」
男：「對，尤其是女朋友！」

Bickering between a lover couple
F: "You have nothing to be proud of!"
M: "Right. And my girlfriend in particular!"



餐廳中
「服務生，你們這有什麼招牌菜？」
「先生，我們這兒最有名的是燕窩。」
「不了，我不吃動物吐出來的東西，太沒衛生了。」
「那您想吃什麼？」
「先來一份雞蛋吧。」

At a restaurant
"Waiter, What are your house specials?"
"Sir, Bird's nest is the best we have here."
"Sorry, I don't eat the thrown up. It's dirty."
"What would you like to eat, then?"
"Eggs."



Dialogues between Ming and his younger sister

小明：「妹妹，你幹嘛那麼用功？」
妹妹：「還不都是因為你」
小明：「我？」
妹妹：「沒錯，我們家總要有人有出息吧！」
Ming: "Sis, why are you working so hard?"
Sister: "I am doing it for you!"
Ming: "For me?"
Sister: "Yes. It's for you, unless you don't care if all of us are losers!"

妹妹：「哥，你是我見過最愛乾淨的人」
小明：「過獎了」「你是怎麼看出來的？」
妹妹：「不管什麼事，你都推得一乾二凈」
Sister: "Hey, you are the most cleanness conscious person I have seen!"
Ming: "I am flattered. But how did you find it?"
Sister: "You always deny your responsibility for whatever happened to make yourself clean."

Adelyn, I like all of them, BTW, I am a-fraid of all the jokes made by you, I mean, you 're the owner, am I wrong?

Short gender jokes
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.

men and women, are they right here?

hmm, i copied from 哈哈笑話 and translated the copied jokes to english as i was trying to be more efficient. heehee.

and i am convinced that the Short Gender Jokes are all created by men, which suggests to me that men are swifter in fault-finding and quicker in excuse-making than women.

[:493:]

There was a professor who everyday would start off his class with a dirty joke.
Some of the girls in his class were fed up at this and decided to leave as soon as he started to tell his joke the next class.
The professor caught wind of their plan and the next class he began his joke and said, "Lately there's been a critical shortage of whores in China."

The girls all stood up and began to walk towards the door. And the professor said, "Whoa hold on girls, the boat doesnt leave till tommorow!"

代駕[/COLOR]
車禍！司機昏迷，唯有寵物狗無恙。交警問狗：出事前你主人在幹嘛？小狗做喝水狀，搖搖晃晃。交警：噢！在喝酒。那你在幹嘛？小狗端坐，雙手做駕駛動作。


傻了[/COLOR]
你晚上在家門口看見一石頭擋路，就生氣地把石頭扔進旁邊的水溝，接著你又看見你家的狗撲進水溝。真傻！稍後，老婆過來問：看見咱家狗了嗎？我剛上廁所，把它拴石頭上了。


屬狗[/COLOR]
有幾個人在一起喝酒，其中一人猛吃猛喝，旁若無人。有個人就問他屬什麼的，他說是
屬狗的。問他的那個人說：「多虧您是屬狗的，若屬虎，連我也都吃了。」


狗眼[/COLOR]
一個帶狗的男子氣勢洶洶地對寵物商店的老闆說：「你把這條狗賣給我看門，昨天晚上小偷進我家偷了我300元錢，可這條狗連吭都沒有吭一聲。」

??? 老闆立即回答道：「這條狗以前的主人是千百萬富翁，這300元錢它根本不放在眼裡。」

代駕
車禍！司機昏迷，唯有寵物狗無恙。交警問狗：出事前你主人在幹嘛？小狗做喝水狀，搖搖晃晃。交警：噢！在喝酒。那你在幹嘛？小狗端坐，雙手做駕駛動作。
The substitute driver
Traffic accident scene. The driver was unconscious but the pet dog was fine. The police officer asked the dog: "what was he doing when the accident occurred?" The dog began swinging its body to gesture it was drinking. "Oh, he was drinking. Then what were you doing?" asked the police officer. The dog sat up, put two paws on the wheel as if it was driving.


傻了
你晚上在家門口看見一石頭擋路，就生氣地把石頭扔進旁邊的水溝，接著你又看見你家的狗撲進水溝。真傻！稍後，老婆過來問：看見咱家狗了嗎？我剛上廁所，把它拴石頭上了。
Stunned
Seeing a stone blocking the way to his door last night, he was angry and threw the stone into a ditch. Then he saw his pet dog following the stone jumping into the ditch. A bit later, his wife came out and asked: "Did you see our doggy? I chained it to a stone when I went to the restroom."


屬狗
有幾個人在一起喝酒，其中一人猛吃猛喝，旁若無人。有個人就問他屬什麼的，他說是屬狗的。問他的那個人說：「多虧您是屬狗的，若屬虎，連我也都吃了。」
Born in the year of the dog
Several men sat together and drank. One of them ate more than anyone else. When asked what year he was born in, he replied the year of the dog. "That's not too bad. Had you been born in the year of the tiger, you would have eaten me up too."


狗眼
一個帶狗的男子氣勢洶洶地對寵物商店的老闆說：「你把這條狗賣給我看門，昨天晚上小偷進我家偷了我300元錢，可這條狗連吭都沒有吭一聲。」 老闆立即回答道：「這條狗以前的主人是千百萬富翁，這300元錢它根本不放在眼裡。」
Watch dog
A man said to the pet shop owner angrily: "You sold me this damned watch dog and it did not even bother to bark last night when the thief stole $300 from my house." The shop owner replied: "The dog's ex-master was a billionaire so it doesn't care at all about your $300."

thank you, Adelyn, good translation!

情色笑話

(11)老王行駛在高速公路上。夫人打他手機：老公，電視里剛說高速公路上有輛車在逆行，你要小心！老王：一輛？我看一百輛都不止。[/COLOR]
Irving is driving down the freeway when his mobile phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving, I just heard on the news that there is a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful."
"It's true," Irving replies. "But not just one car - there are hundreds of them!"


[:430:]

謝謝
看我怎麼收拾他們

I add some jokes about airplane, please go to check!

Airplane Jokes


A man at the airline counter tells the rep. 「I』d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London. The rep says, 「I』m sorry sir. We can』t do that.」 The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

Airplane Jokes
1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Airplane Jokes


A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

Airplane Jokes # 210847

temp

「I』ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. 「You will bring me down safely, won』t you? 「All I can say ma』am,」 said the pilot, 「is that I』ve never left anyone up there yet!」

Airplane Jokes

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

Airplane Jokes

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "lease take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."