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A collection of choice specimens of funny jokes/笑話集錦

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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-15 15:59 | 只看該作者
What did the bra say to the hat?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         [fly]You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift[/COLOR].[/fly]



Warning from the League for Political Correctitude (LPC)
This joke is politically incorrect
It is potentially offensive to:
Some women
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The LPC patrols the Internet for your own protection
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-15 16:09 | 只看該作者

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-15 16:14 | 只看該作者
[:437:] Why do we have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth?

                                                                                                                                                                                                          [fly]So that we can see and hear twice as much as we say[/COLOR].[/fly]
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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 樓主| Adelyn 發表於 2005-12-18 13:24 | 只看該作者
because we are supposed to say only half of what we see and hear,

[fly]that's why we have one mouth but two eyes and two ears.[/fly]
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 樓主| Adelyn 發表於 2005-12-18 13:26 | 只看該作者

智斗強盜

有一次,卓別林帶著一大筆現款走在路上。突然,從路旁草叢裡躍出一個蒙面強盜。強盜威脅著要卓別林交出錢款。卓別林答應了,並對他說:「請在我帽子上開兩槍吧,我好回去 向主人交代!」 強盜「叭叭」兩聲,照他的話做了。「再在我的衣襟上開兩槍吧!」 卓別林又說。「叭叭」兩聲,強盜又照做了。「最後,請您再在我的褲腿上打兩個洞,拜託了 !」 強盜一聽,不耐煩地提起槍,又在褲腿上給了兩槍。卓別林知道強盜的手槍里再也沒有子彈了,便一交把他絆倒,飛也似地跑了。



Trip the robber to fall

One day, when he was on the way home carrying a bag of cash, Chaplin was stopped by a robber wearing a mask. The robber pointed a gun at Chaplin and demanded the money. Chaplin obeyed the order and asked the robber:"lease shoot at my hat so that I can show my boss I was robbed." Bang, bang, the robber fired two shots at the hat. Chaplin then asked for two shots on the front side of his jacket. Bang, bang, the robber fired another two shots as he asked for. "Last request, sir, please shoot two holes on my pants." The robber was impatient but fired at his pants. Since the robber had fired all the bullets in his gun, Chaplin tripped the robber to fall and ran away with his money.
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-20 00:24 | 只看該作者
answers:

yyur-two wise (Ys) you are
yyub-two wise (Ys) you be
ICUR-I see you are
YY4m-two wise(Ys) for me
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-20 00:55 | 只看該作者
I  do wish I  "YY4M"...
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-21 15:59 | 只看該作者
"because we are supposed to say only half of what we see and hear", thanks for telling me the truth of  how to be a human being. as a saying goes well, "言多必失", "Facts talks more loudly than debates." "謠言很可怕"....
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-22 03:55 | 只看該作者
So, if we don't know something. We'd better not tell a lie, otherwise we will mislead our children...
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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GhostCatcher 發表於 2005-12-22 09:14 | 只看該作者
lol!
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 樓主| Adelyn 發表於 2005-12-23 02:14 | 只看該作者
Michael Jackson is a black man but looks like a white woman, made possible by plastic surgery.
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 樓主| Adelyn 發表於 2005-12-30 07:50 | 只看該作者

汽車配件

大卡車司機開車經過一個山村時向一位居民打聽:"請問,此地哪裡可以找到汽車配件?"
"往前走,過了那個急轉彎處有個峽谷,那下面多得很."


Spare Parts

A truck driver drove by a mountain village. He asked a villager: "Excuse me, would you tell me where I could find truck spare parts?"
"Move on. You will see a valley after the sharp turn ahead. There is a lot down there."
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 樓主| Adelyn 發表於 2005-12-30 07:52 | 只看該作者
[咸濕笑話] 凝視它、靜思它所蘊涵的精神


當工作和愛情不如意時,可掏出你的老二[/COLOR],凝視它、靜思它所蘊涵的精神:能長能短、能曲能伸、能軟能硬,學學它,眼前的困難算個俅!!!

when feeling down, for work or love, you may pay a visit to your friend and take a good look at what he will show you: extending himself longer, bending over, and hardening up, or any of the opposite doings, all dependent on need. think of this great flexibility and try to do as he does. now, feel the invincibility of your spirit!
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-30 17:02 | 只看該作者
有這種精神, 那還有跨不過去的"坎"?
Thanks for sharing!
Sense of Humor is so important to life!
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2005-12-30 17:03 | 只看該作者
How fun is that villager!
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2006-1-25 19:10 | 只看該作者

Fulfilling their requests

[B][CENTER]Fulfilling their requests[/CENTER][/B][/COLOR]

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !![/COLOR]
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2006-1-25 19:13 | 只看該作者

jokes about marriage

1. [B]Like Father, Like Husband?[/B][/COLOR]
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.[/COLOR]

2. [B]A man is almost about to die[/B][/COLOR]

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"[/COLOR]
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2006-1-25 19:15 | 只看該作者
3.[CENTER][B]Be  if you annoy this husband[/B][/CENTER][/COLOR]

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
This wife is too jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"


4.[CENTER][B]A very desperate marriage[/B][/CENTER][/COLOR]

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2006-1-25 19:17 | 只看該作者
5.[B][CENTER]Have long marriages[/COLOR][/CENTER][/B]

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays


6.[B][CENTER]Wife was mad at me[/CENTER][/B][/COLOR]

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!
多一絲快樂, 少一些煩惱;
不論鈔票多少, 只要開心就好;
累了就睡, 醒來就微笑;
生活是什麼滋味, 還得自己放調料;
一切隨緣, 童心到老, 快樂一生
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cwjjzhou 發表於 2006-1-25 19:19 | 只看該作者
[B][CENTER]7.Getting into fights[/CENTER][/B][/COLOR]


A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."


[B][CENTER]8.A way to save your marriage[/CENTER][/COLOR][/B]


A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder
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