笑話集: 耶穌的電視機 Jesus's Telly

　　A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.
　　"But what's that in the corner?" asked Mother.
　　"Oh, that's their telly," replied the tot.

　　　聖誕節時孩子要了紙和蠟筆，想畫一張耶穌誕生像。最後這件藝術品被陳列出來供父母鑒賞。
　　他們對耶穌誕生后睡的馬槽，牧羊人，耶穌及其家庭都逐一表示讚賞。
　　「可是那個角落裡是什麼？」媽媽問。
　　「噢，那是他們的電視機，」孩子回答說。



早晚的事 Sooner or later   
  
A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.

Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.

Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later



可憐的蟲子 Watch out for themselves

Farmer Jones picked a big red apple and handed it to the boy saying, "Watch out for worms."

"When I eat apples," replied the boy, "the worms have to watch out for themselves.



蹩腳的的駕駛員 Bad Drivers  

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

Herman says, "I know, I'm on Route 280 but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"



失去理智的反對者 An opponent lost his head

While making a long, dull speech, a politician received a great deal of heckling(詰問) from the gallery.

Secondly, someone threw a cabbage onto the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the politician , "I see that one of my opponents has lost his head."

睡前禱告 Bedtime Prayers  

　　Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "lease God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

　　Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

　　And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"



我忘記搖藥瓶了 I forget to shake it

"Why are you bouncing up and down like that?"

"I just took some liquid medicine and I forgot to shake up the bottle as directed."



他為什麼沒走? Why he couldn't leave?

　　There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.

　　The speaker walked up to the man and said, "Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room."

　　"Oh! Don't mention it!" replied the man, "I cannot leave because I am the next speaker."


不要緊 All Right

Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just made an illegal turn."

"I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."



如此賺錢 A Way to Make Money

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"


你自已先準備好吧 Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it that a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "op prepared. Prepare yourself."

蘋果和蟲子 Apple and Worm

What did the apple say to the worm?

You're boring me.  

雙關語：bore (v.使煩擾, 鑽孔)




美德  Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member(大學教學人員). One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "erseverance(百折不撓) is a virtue."


New Year Resolution

Hoping to excite student interest in our reading center, I asked each teacher to write a New Year's resolution on a special form and send it to me. After I posted the resolutions on the bulletin board in the reading center, one young teacher stopped by, looked at them for a few minutes, and then left abruptly. Passing two teachers on their way in, she stormed, "My resolution isn't posted - and mine was one of the first ones in!" I couldn't help but overhear, and the tone of her voice sent me flying to my desk in search of a misplaced resolution. Looking rapidly through stacks of papers, I uncovered hers. It read, "I resolve not to let little things upset me."


Keep the Change

One sweltering（酷熱的） day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.

Things Have Been Okay

A young couple was becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted（忽然說出）, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taken this long?"

"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."



Did You Know Him?

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high school alma mater(母校). One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
"I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk(性情古怪的人) I've ever met. Did you know him too?"
"Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."



寫信 Writing Letter

A mental patient was writing letter. Seeing this, the curious nurse asked.

Nurse: Who are you writing to?

Patient: Myself!

Nurse: What are you writing?

Patient: You neurotic(神經病)! How do I know since I haven't got it.



Mother Not Knowing How to Raise Children

「Mommy has no idea how to raise children,」 said Dingding to his father.

「How can you say such a thing?」 replied the father.

「Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I'm not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am.」



A Sense of Achievement

「Are the slimming exercises doing you any good?」 a man asked his beer-bellied(啤酒肚) colleague. 「Can you touch your toes now?」

「No, I can't touch them,」 the other replied, 「but I'm beginning to see them.」

　　The mean man's party

　　The notorious cheap skate explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said: "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh." was the reply. "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

　　吝嗇鬼請客

　　一個出了名的吝嗇鬼在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

　　「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

　　「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。