Jokes

Entrance Exam

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An
angel (or diva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the
reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"

The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life:
I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me
and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven."

"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance
examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel
asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian
passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during
my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too
should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give
you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passed the test.

Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn, who tells the Angel, "I had done all the
good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I
donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss or my
customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions.
You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test
should be simple, he agrees to take the test.

The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you.
He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting
and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad
in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

three nuns were talking. the first nun said "i was cleaning the fathers room
the other day and do you know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines"
"what did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"well, of course i threw them in the trash"
the second nun said, 「well, i can top that. i was in fathers room putting away
the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms"
"oh my" gasped the other nuns. "what did you do?" they asked.
"i poked holes in all of them" she replied.
the third nun said, "oh s***."

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the
gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?」 asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S
MOVING!!!!"

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the
lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody
will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he
returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his
young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''