THE BASIC RULES OF BUSINESS GRAMMAR

by Dave Barry

THE BASIC RULES OF BUSINESS GRAMMAR

1. [B]USE THE WORD "TRANSPIRE" A LOT.[/B]

*Wrong: The dog barked.
*Right: What transpired was, the dog barked.
*Even Better: A barking of the dog transpired.

2. [B]ALSO USE "ARAMETER."[/B]

*Wrong: Employees should not throw paper towels into the toilet.
*Right: Employees should not throw paper towels into the parameters of the toilet.

3. [B]ALWAYS FOLLOW THE PHRASE "TED AND" WITH THE WORD "MYSELF."[/B]

*Wrong: Ted and I think the pump broke.
*Right: Ted and myself think the pump broke.
*Even better: It is the opinion of Ted and myself that a breakage of the pump transpired.

4. [B]IF SOMETHING IS FOLLOWING SOMETHING ELSE, ALWAYS LET THE READER KNOW IN ADVANCE VIA THE WORDS: "THE FOLLOWING."[/B]

*Wrong: We opened up the pump and found a dead bat.
*Right: We opened up the pump and found the following: a dead bat.

5. [B]ALWAYS STRESS THAT WHEN YOU TOLD SOMEBODY SOMETHING, YOU DID IT VERBALLY.[/B]

*Wrong: I told him.
*Right: I told him verbally.

6. [B]NEVER SPLIT AN INFINITIVE. [/B]
An infinitive is a phrase that has a "to" at the beginning, such as "Today, I am going to start my diet." You should not split such a phrase with another word, as in "Today, I am definitely going to start my diet," because it makes you sound insecure about it. It sounds like you know darned well you'll be hitting the pecan fudge before sundown.

7. [B]NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSTION. [/B]
Prepositions are words like "with," "into," "on," "off," "exacerbate," etc. The reason you should never end a sentence with one is that you would be violating a rule of grammar.

*Wrong: Youse better be here with the ransom money, on account we don't want to have to hack nobody's limbs off.
*Right: ... on account we don't want to have to hack off nobody's limbs.
*Even better: ... on account we don't want to have to hack off nobody's limbs with a chain saw.

8. [B]AVOID DANGLING PARTICIPLES.[/B]
A participle is the letters "ing" at the end of words like "extenuating." You want to avoid having it "dangle" down and disrupt the sentence underneath:

There appear to be some extenuati circumstances.
n
Ted and myself feel that these g Hey! Get that participle out of
here!!