A note to parents

Like so many other lessons, learning about friendship begins at home. Ideally, family life will supply most of a very young child's needs for companionship. Even under such circumstances, a child's thinking, feelings, and behavior are powerfully affected by his contact with others. Consider, for example, how quickly many y0oung children of immigrants learn to speak a new language only through contact with other children.

As parents, you have the privilege of helping your children choose friends wisely. Young children adn adolescents are not yet fullly equipped to make such judgements without parental guidance. However, there is a problem. Many young people feel closer to fellow young ones than to their parents or any other older ones.

One factor that turns teens to their peers rather than to their parents, some experts believe, is that many parents doubt their own moral authority. Parents must shoulder their responsibility to reach out to and stay involved with their children. But how? Family therapist Dr. Ron Taffel meets many parents who are at a loss as to how to deal with their adolescent children. He writes that many "succumb to a series of media-hyped child-rearing fads" instead of actually parenting their children. Why do they resort to this? " They don't know their own children well enough to relate directly to them."

It doesn't have to be that way. Parents must understand that children will look to their friends if they are not getting what they need at home. And what is that? "They need what young people have always needed: nurture apreciation, security, clarity in rules and expecitons and a sense of belonging." Says Taffel. " The Tragedy of our times is that most adolescents to not get these basic needs met by adults and do notfeel truly 'at home' within their own families."

HOw can you help your children in regard to friendship? THe first step is to consider your own way of life and your friendships. Are the goals and life- you and your friends pursue noble and unselfish? Spiritual and not materialistic? " Actions speak louder than words, and your children are bound to pick up the attitudes and actions they observe in you, your friends, and your friends' children." Notes DOuglas, a Christian elder and father.

Even many animals instinctilvely and often ferociously protect their young from other dangerous creatures. An expert on bears reports: "mother bears are legendary for protecting their cubs from all perceived threats." Should human parents do any less? Ruben, from Italy, says: "My parents reasoned with me from the scriptures. They helped me to understand that it was better to avoid certain kinds of company. My first reaction was :  'Look at that, I can't have any friends at all!' But time has proved them right, and thanks to their patience, I was protected."

Also, actively bring your children into contact with people who are good examples and who will help them to set good goals for themselves. A successful and happy young man named Francis remembers:" My mother noticed that we young ones were keeping to ourselves, so she helped us by inviting friends over who were very active in the full time Christian ministry. In that way we got to know them and to make friends with them. right in our
own home." Through such efforts on your part, your children's homelife can become a fertile seedbed in which good friendships germinate and grow.