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[LEFT]Nearly all middle schoolers (of 11-14 years in age) go through a wide variety of changes during their preadolescent years. Changes in their bodies, attitudes, values, relationships, and even intellectual progresses are clearly discernable. From charming, intelligent, capable, and loving nine or ten-year-olds, they suddenly become belligerent, forgetful, irresponsible, and sulky young adolescents.
Many parents, lulled by the generally pleasant behavior of their fourth or fifth grader, begin to believe that this quiet period will last. But a rollercoaster transition period (ie, preadolescence) awaits between the pleasure of childhood and the pain of adolescence.
One of the earliest signs of the emerging preadolescent is forgetting. Preadolescent mind is filled with worries and concerns: Am I liked? Will I be tall enough? Will I look OK? Why does my wrist hurt? Why is that teacher looking at me? Why does my sister get everything she wants? There are simply not enough nerve cells in their brains to remember things that are more real and meaningful to them.
[Solutions: Try to help adolescent kids who forget by first of all understanding that, for the most part, they do not forget on purpose. Secondly, try some creastive reminders instead of nagging.]
Preadolescents are often irritable because they are so filled with energy. They are always moving or jiggling; twirling things or picking at things; flapping their arms or tapping their feet; finding something to bounce, strum, or toss; practicing the latest the dance, sound, or martial arts move. But along with all this energy come moods, which are real, sometimes physically draining, and always unpredictable.
[Solutions: Be willing to listen, but don't poke or pry. When issues come up, listen carefully and avoid lecturing. Let them know you'd love to help, but don't push them into a defensive position. When reprimanding, deal only with the precise problem, don't bring in other issues. Don't let your preadolescents' moods rule your moods.]
As young people mature, they seek more independence. But they are far from ready for the kind of independence they are yearning for. At this stage of their lives, they may feel powerless to the extreme. Therefore, preadolescents often use power plays to grab some control over their lives and the lives of others, through non-verbal tantrums; smarting off; manipulating sibblings, parents and friends; and other, sometimes dangerous, behaviors. Preadolescents often say "Leave me alone!" or "That's stupid!"; slam doors, sulk, and refuse to talk; use ridicule and sarcasm to bug their sibblings; and take risks.
[Solutions: Know ahead of time what areas you are willing to negotiate and what areas are absolutes. Don't give in to manipulation. Disengage and step aside when you see a struggle is coming. Bend a little to give adolescents appropriate power whenever possible. Don't use power unless it's urgent.]
Middle school often means turbulent times for friendships. There is no doubt that preadolescents' friendships greatly affect other areas of their lives: grades, use of unstructed times, clubs to join, or out-of-school groups, even their behavior at the local shopping mall. We find ourselves in the paradoxical position of aching for our children to have friends, but hoping they don't get too involved with them.
[Solutions: Expect to be left out as preadolescents develop a growing sense of secrecy in their friends and activities. Work extra hard at builiding the self-esteem of preadolescents, through building on their strength rather than highlighting their weakness. Be a friend to your preadolescent - sometimes kids feel you're the only one they have.]
Few things cause more irritation to a parent of a middle schooler than trying to get him or her to work. Excuses, procrastination, false starts, and flat-out refusal are the order of the day when it comes to asking a preadolescent to perform even the smallest task.
[Solutions: Try to capitalize on preadolescents' periods of energy and avoid nagging during their times of listlessness. Break down big chores into smaller parts. Help your child by setting up smaller goals. Emphasize on getting started now rather than later.]
As much as parents worry about preadolescents, don't forget that preadolescents worry about themselves. Most have difficulty falling asleep at night; many are inordinately concerned about minor aches and pains; they have trouble making decisions; they wonder about the changes in themselves and their relationships.
[Solutions: Try to build a sense of belonging in preadolescents, to satisfy their need to be just like everyone else. Help preadolescents through this time by being their safe haven. Encourage preadolescents to capitalize their broader concerns.]
Preadolescence marks the beginning of a long process that transforms a cuddling, temperate, enthusiastic child into a compassionate, well-rounded, energetic adult. There are many joys to experience during preadolescence and adolescence. At the same time, we will be experienceing turbulence. Preadolescence, once it is understood and prepared for, can be as happy and as easy to deal with as other developmental stages.[/LEFT] |
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