Keeping the Romance Alive in our Marriage

by Katherine J. Kehler

「Honor Christ by submitting to each other」 (Ephesians 5:21).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marvin and I have been married for over 46 years. We have lived, slept, worked, played, prayed, traveled and eaten together for that many years.

Marvin travels at least 30 percent of each year C probably more. When he is away, he calls me most evenings and his voice still thrills me. I still think he has the most wonderful smile in the world, a calm, gentle voice and the most friendly eyes. And I still love his touch.

What do we do to Keep the Romance Alive in our Marriage?
First I'll tell you what he does to keep our romance alive, then I'll tell you what I do to keep our marriage interesting and exciting.

He does and says kind things. He tells me many times a day that he loves me and that I am beautiful. He kisses and hugs me a lot. At night, because he knows I like to take a bath, the bathwater is usually in the tub and the room is nice and warm. He often brings me flowers. He opens doors for me. When in a group meeting he winks at me and it still gives me a thrill.

What I do to Keep our Interest in Each Other
I cook his favorite meals - especially after a trip when he has been eating in restaurants for days. I keep his clothes in A-1 condition so he is always ready to meet anyone. I tell him he is handsome and looks sharp. I take care of many of the small housekeeping details at home so he doesn't have to concern himself with them.

He likes me to touch him and kiss him when we are alone.

Some evenings when we are at home alone and watching TV or a video, I will put my head on his lap.

In public places, a touch or squeeze on the arm communicates, "I love you!" without saying a word. When he is relaxing and has his feet up, I never walk by without tickling his feet.

We have fun. We laugh a lot.

We have spiritual discussions. Over breakfast we usually discuss what God has pointed out to us during our quiet times and we pray together.

We work at trying to please each other rather than insisting on having our own needs met.

Our love for each other is still growing and glowing. You see, romance doesn』t start in bed, it begins first thing in the morning. The way you greet each other in the morning, how you treat and talk to each other during the day. Then when you go to bed, it is natural to want to snuggle.

Try some of these tips C maybe they will help ignite or strengthen the romance in your marriage as well.

Father, thank You for my husband. Help me to the kind of wife You want me to be.  Amen.

Christ Centered Marriages
by Dave Currie





Seven FamilyLife marriage conferences held across Canada in one season proved once again that where Jesus is in the picture, there's hope.

"eople are realizing that God in the center of a marriage really makes a difference," said FamilyLife Canada Director Dave Currie.

"Couples see that token Christianity doesn't bring about the closeness they hope for."

A Richmond attendee, who had been married for five years, agrees: "The conference has brought me back to God so I can be the man God wants me to be," he said.

The three-day conferences offer transparent presentations by skillful speaker couples, a date night on Saturday night as well as many communication projects to facilitate closeness between couples.  

These conferences regularly attract as many as a 1,000 attendees, but that doesn't seem to bother those who come. "We didn't feel like we had to mingle with other couples," said one husband who attended the Richmond conference.  "Although we were part of a large group it felt like it was just the two of us."

Since the conference emphasizes God's plan for marriage, it offers renewed hope to many. "We came here struggling, but we now have some hope for our marriage," said a young wife, who had been married for a year. "I have come from a place of hopelessness to hopefulness," wrote another.

"One couple drove eight hours from New Brunswick to attend the conference in Sherbrooke, Quebec," said Ev Baerg, National Coordinator for FamilyLife Canada. Although the couple had been separated before coming to the conference, by day three, they had decided to get back together.

"A real surrender to Christ is not only changing lives, but changing homes," said Dave Currie.

He recently received an e-mail from a grateful couple who attended a conference in Whistler. The wife wrote, "We've been told we are living proof that once God breaks you, He will put you back together in a truly amazing way and your marriage will be a blessing to those who know you. We are telling anyone who will listen to run, not walk, to their computers or phone and register for a FamilyLife marriage conference."

Letting Go and Moving On
by Claudia & David Arp





Entering the empty nest for us was a benchmark in our lives. Some things changed forever. For instance, from this time on we would catalogue our lives as BC (before children) and AC (after children).

Faced with so many life changes, we did what we often do - we made a list. For us, making our list was a reality check and was the first step in releasing and letting go of some unrealistic expectations - frankly, some weren't that unrealistic, they just would not be fulfilled - not in this lifetime!

Letting Go
Our list included things we would never do again, or things that would never change. For instance, we would never have a daughter. (Three daughters-in-law and three grand-daughters help to compensate but our nuclear family will always be four guys and a gal.)

We would never ride across the Swiss Alps on a motorcycle. We would never have completely healthy backs again. We would always struggle to keep our weight under control and our office neat and tidy.

Obviously, our list also included disappointments with each other - like Dave will always sneak ice cream at night, forget to call when he is running late and hum in his sleep. Claudia will always take on too many commitments, buy low-fat, no-taste snacks and leave the car gas indicator on empty.

While this may sound negative it was an important part of the process of accepting each other. At this stage of our marriage we realized we needed to view our little individual idiosyncratic behaviors as endearing traits instead of irritations. Making our list helped do just that.

You may also want to make your own list. Now is the time to let go and acknowledge things that are not going to change such as a partner's personality traits that irritate or that you or your partner are not going to make a lot of money or your spouse is putting on weight and no longer the beautiful thin thing you married. Maybe you need to accept differing political or religious beliefs.

As the years go by, our list gets longer, but we continue to try to accept each other as the imperfect people that we are. One of the wonderful perks of this time of life is we do know each other so well.

A real key to a successful empty nest marriage is accepting each other as a package deal.  The good comes with the bad. Realizing your spouse will never change those little irritating quirks in his or her personality is a step forward in building a long term successful marriage.

Moving On
And what did we do after we made our "we'll never do" list? First we acknowledged that there were some things we just had to accept and let go of if we wanted to continue to grow together.

Then, we looked toward the future and made another list - this one was our "what we will do in the empty nest" list. It included those things we chose to do to make the rest of our marriage the best. We share our list with you in hopes that it will inspire you to make you own "what we will do" list for your empty nest.

Things We Will Do in Our Empty Nest

We will release and let go of our missed dreams and disappointments with each other, with our children, with our parents and with ourselves.
We will accept each other as a package deal.
We will keep on forgiving and asking each other for forgiveness when we blow it.
We will renew our commitment to each other and to growing together in the second half of our marriage.
Let us encourage you to make a fresh commitment to yourself, to your spouse and to your marriage. It's time to move on in your marriage. Trust us, the best is just up ahead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Claudia and David Arp, MSW, are founders and directors of Marriage Alive International, a church-focused marriage and family resource ministry. Their Marriage Alive seminar is popular across the country and in Europe. They are authors of numerous books including:

10 Great Dates
Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child
The  Second Half of Marriage (from which this column was adapted)

Are You Being Set Up?
by Allen Unrau





The doorbell rings and Robert looks out the side window to see who』s on the porch. It』s a woman, close to his age, who looks somewhat familiar. She doesn』t appear to be selling anything or taking a survey, so he answers the door.

The lady introduces herself and explains why she』s there. Her name is Norma and she attends a seniors club that Robert has gone to occasionally since his wife died. She explains that they have never met but a friend mentioned that Robert had some china for sale that she might be interested in.

China For Sale?
He recalls telling someone there were a few more items to sell. This is starting to make sense, so he shows her into the dining room and opens the china cabinet. She picks up a dinner plate and comments on the pattern and the remarkable condition of the dinner set. They chat for a minute about the fact that you don』t get good china like this anymore and then she sits down on the sofa.

The conversation changes to other things. Soon they are talking about their families, their hobbies and mutual acquaintances. Norma explains that she has been a widow for five years now and lives about fifteen minutes away in her own apartment. She tries to keep active and walks a mile every day for her health.

Robert is feeling very comfortable with Norma at this point…then something clicks. He had been a police officer for many years and his instinct is telling him that she probably isn』t here just to buy some china. As he thinks about it he realizes that she has never asked the price or how many setting were for sale. Why was she really here?

Ah Ha!
The fact is that Robert was being set up. Not in a bad way or with any intent to harm him, but he was till being set up.

Several ladies at the club had recognized him as a 「definite eligible」 and thought that he and Norma would be a perfect 「match.」 They racked their brains as to how to get them together without it being obvious and the 「china for sale」 plan seemed perfect. If Norma had spent a bit more time actually being interested in the dinnerware and proposing a sale price Robert may never have caught on to the plot.

You were eligible in your twenties and you may be eligible again. The 「pool of eligibles」 is expanding now that the seniors population is one of the fastest growing segments of society. Aging isn』t what it used to be: 70 it seems, is the new 55. People think of themselves as younger and with good reason. The majority of folks 65+ are healthy, robust and full of life. So why not fall in love again at your age?

You』ve all heard the disaster stories about matchmakers who set up a couple only to have the relationship end quickly with broken hearts and deep feelings of resentment.

Fortunately, this didn』t happen for Robert and Norma!

Surrounded by their loving families and supportive friends, Robert and Norma became Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. 「I never thought I』d fall in love again,」 said Robert. 「Life is really work living! But I wouldn』t send her out to buy dinnerware. She』s not a very good negotiator…ha, ha.」

「I thank God she had the courage to ring my doorbell and as much as I thought I』d never say it…I』m thankful for those matchmakers!」


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly Single
by Doug Rae





My wife Judy was called home to be with her Lord Jesus in heaven on May 25, 2001, after a 32-month struggle with breast cancer.  Judy had run the race that Jesus set before her.  She struggled before crossing the starting line, but she did the most important part right: the FINISH.  She ended the race at full speed, charging ahead and eager for heaven.

Judy was such a good wife for me.  She was so loving and faithful.  I never had to wonder where she was or what she was up to.  It was always something good!  She also loved and cared so much for our children and grandchildren.  The legacy Judy leaves her grandchildren was best summed up when Carter, at age four, asked Judy if he could marry her.  What a grandma!  What a mom!  What a wife!

But now she』s gone.  It』s been a little over a year now, and I'm still seeking the Lord's direction for my life.  Early on, I resolved that I would make no major decisions for at least a year.  But now that long year has passed.  Recently, I've been letting my family and friends know that on May 25th, with considerable emotion, I removed my wedding ring and became a single man once again.  A friend predicted to Judy about two years ago that I'd have trouble remaining single.  That prediction is proving very true and I'm looking foward to this new adventure.

We are well aware that the Lord works out His perfect will through His people, so I'm looking to Him and His people to help this rather young, active, Christian senior (who is also an artist, golfer and curler) to find the perfect woman with whom to spend the next 30 years.  You may think I』m being optimistic, but my mother and two aunts averaged 95, and my Dad is closing in on 96!  I have longevity in my genes, and I don』t intend on spending my golden years alone.

Just the other day, my children asked me what this perfect woman would be like.  She was easy for me to describe, but only the Lord knows where she is.  She will love God first, then me, my family, and my friends.  She will encourage and work alongside me to fulfil my calling toward evangelism and discipleship.  She will enjoy travel and holidays, and she will  put up with my idiosyncrasies.  If that isn't enough, she will also likely be in her fifties, have a slim, attractive figure, and be cute, vibrant, intelligent and very much alive.  Thus, she will be the perfect counterpart for me.  Wow.  This sounds like an incredibly detailed list, especially since I'm not actively looking for her.

Earlier this month I attended a "Successful Singlehood" evening in my community of North Vancouver.  Two things came through loud and clear.  While the Lord has me in a single state, I can serve Him more, so I must utilize these days for Him.  Second, in my desire to re-marry, I must wait on his direction, for He has the best plan for me - including the future 'if,『 『when' and 'who.'

So, Lord, give me patience to wait for You to fulfill Your will for me, and help me not to take too many furtive glances....  In the meantime, this 「suddenly single」 guy will continue rejoicing in the Lord through his loneliness.

In December, 2002, God answered Doug's prayer.  He brought Doug and Dorothy together and they are now married.

Tools for Building a Great Marriage
by Gail Rodgers





Sharon and her husband built the garage and decided to live there until the house was constructed. Five years later they were still in the garage. The house plans still took a prominent place on the wall…but life was busy. They hadn』t planned to let construction slip…it had just happened as the busyness of day to day activities took front and center stage. They were fairly comfortable for the moment…but building had stopped.

Building a Marriage is Much Like Building a Home
You put deliberate plans in place and then you actively pursue the construction. Day to day busyness must be guarded against and the building must be conscious. When building stops, status quo settles in. Having a deliberate eye on construction can keep building fun and productive.

The marriage relationship is the highest of all human relationships. It can be a complete sharing of heart and soul, mind and body or, it can be simply a living arrangement of co-existence. Most marriages are somewhere in between. Any marriage can benefit from implementing some new or re-sharpened tools to move deliberately in building into a growing relationship.

Five Practical and Positive Tools to Use in Building Your Marriage

The Team Tool
Remember you are a team. When two team members forget they are on the same team and begin to compete with each other, no one wins. Marriage is not about winning, it is about pulling together in the same direction. Stop for a moment and look honestly at yourself. Do you need to win every argument or be right about some insignificant disagreement?

Maybe he is the one that needs to be right. Remember you are on the same team. In things that don』t matter, drop it. In things that do, plan for a time out and set a date to re-visit the issue. Verbalize the fact that you are a team. Bring in a third party if you repeatedly stalemate on one issue. Think in terms of 「I choose us.」

The Response Tool
Don』t react, respond! Your reactions actually tell more about you than your actions do! Take time to think before you just react! Evaluate why you react in certain ways and plan ahead of time what you are going to do next time it happens. Know what your buttons are…do you react negatively if he is late getting home and didn』t call? What situations do you find yourself reacting in? Choose to be conscious of the 「I choose us」 frame of mind and think about your reactions. Many couples get on a merry-go-round of reactions and find themselves in a hostile environment neither of them wants. Choose to respond instead!

The Blessing Tool
Give a blessing today! In the book, The Blessing, Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent describe the deliberate practice of expressing honor and devotion to other people. It』s actually a practice with deep Biblical roots. Many marriage partners have come to this special relationship without ever having received honor or devotion. Sometimes they come with trust issues because these things were not a part of their heritage.

Begin today to put words of honor and devotion into your partner』s heart. Speak truth from your heart. Let him know what you appreciate about him.

Affirm his positive traits.

「You give such attention to detail.」

or

「Your boss knows he can depend on you.」

If you have to stretch a long way to find something, start where you can. It may be something like,

「I appreciate how you provide for our family. Thank you.」

or

「Maggie really needed you to see that test she did so well in. Thanks for taking time to listen to her.」

For some, this tool will be easy to use. For others it will feel awkward and hard to put to use. If you draw a blank in finding words of affirmation begin to watch carefully for the little things you can affirm. Ask God, who sees the best in all of us, to reveal to your heart some positive qualities you can affirm.

The Sharing Tool
Share as much of life as possible! Share your time, share your thoughts, share your interests and share his interests. This is a tool that must be deliberately engaged or life will push it aside. Time spent together doing things affords a connection opportunity. History together is built one event at a time. Make sure you are inputting positive events that build a positive archive. Plan dates…a movie night, dinner out or even coffee together are good ideas to keep sharing alive!

If life has crowded out the sharing of your relationship, be deliberate in building it back in. Start small, share a certain TV program and sit beside him. Share a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade for a couple of minutes in the middle of a task he is doing. Even cleaning the garage or basement together can connect you. Reminisce briefly now and then. 「This old bike brings back memories of those good times we had biking that summer before we moved.」 Share your time. Go with him to look at a car or take a trip to Home Depot. Begin to share your thoughts.

The Contact Tool
Make daily contact! It is entirely possible to live with someone and not make any or very little contact. Contact is an excellent building tool and you can use it in a variety of ways. Each day try to connect in one way, either emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. Think about it and try to be deliberate. Some construction tools look overwhelming yet when you know how to use them they are extremely valuable in the building project.

Emotionally C Share a thought that goes beyond picking up milk or confirming the time of an appointment. Use 「I feel…」 comments. Offer support emotionally. 「You』ve had a lot of pressure lately. Why don』t you sleep in a bit Saturday?」 「I know we are in a financial crunch right now, but we』ll do what we have to do and together we』ll get through it.」

Encourage in any way you can. Remember that communication is only 7% words we speak and the rest is our tone and body language. Tone and body language are the emotional language we speak.

Mentally C Connect by sharing a newspaper article you read, words from a news commentator you listened to or a story from a book you are reading. Ask him his opinions and listen to them. Share a story from your day or ask a question about something that interests him.

Physically - Give lots of non-sexual touching such as a quick hug, a hand on the arm, a pat on the hand or the back. Touching says 「I care」 and touch is one of our basic human needs. If all touching has become a signal for sex, touch on the way out the door, touch casually, touch in passing.

Do make time for the sexual contact as well. Plan for it. Dwell on the good things about your husband. Have a relaxing bath, get out a candle and surprise him with a sense of pleasure at being together.

Spiritually C Many couples never share on this level even if they share the same faith. Spiritual sharing gives a third dimension to a relationship. Share a thought or a reading that inspired you. Take time to pray for him. Let him know you are praying for him. Pray together if possible.

Endeavor to connect regularly on all levels.

But What About Me?
These tools all focus on you as the builder. It is more important to be the right partner than to have the right partner. You can only change you. You cannot change your partner; you can only change how you relate to him.

But What if Your Emotional and Spiritual Guage is on Empty?
What if you need someone to build into you? Plain and simply the answer is God! No, don』t stop reading…it's true and it is a very practical thing you can experience. God loves you. He has only your best in mind. He waits for you to invite Him to share the journey of life with you. When you open your heart to receive His love and forgiveness for doing life your own way, He comes in and begins to build into you so you, in turn, can build into others.

Invite God into your life; invite him into your marriage. He is the well from which you can draw.

Ask Him to give you insight into your husband.

Ask Him to give you a loving and responsive heart.

Ask Him to give you strength and wisdom.

Ask Him for words that build up and bless.

Ask Him for patience. He created you and He created marriage. He is the Master Builder and the one that is truly qualified to help you use these tools.

On your own you can find a measure of success in applying these tools. But God holds the manual and, when invited, He can enhance your life and your marriage in ways you never imagined. Why not invite Him now?

Father God, thank you that You care about me and that You actually desire to walk with me through life. That amazes me! I open my heart to You right now and accept your love and forgiveness. Help me to understand how You love me. Help me to come to You and Your deep well of resources every day. God, I don』t fully understand how You work in my life, but I ask You to teach me. Give me the patience and the insight to build my marriage stronger. Thank you for my husband. Bless him and protect him. Teach me to know You and to grow in Your ways. I ask this in Jesus』 name, Amen.

Family Decisions - Who Decides What?
by Allen Unrau





You feel that your mother should move.  She wants to stay right where she is and can give you ten good reasons for her decision.

You tell her that you have noticed some changes in her life lately and she should take some timely advice.

She takes offence at your "intrusion" into her affairs and basically tells you to mind your own business.

You feel hurt because your intentions were good. You only wanted the best for her and now it seems like she's pushing you away. The same woman that encouraged you to make your own decisions throughout your lifetime is now making some of her own and it feels uncomfortable.

She has never actually come out and told you what you should do.  There were many gentle suggestions and subtle direction signs that you may not have noticed at the time, but she always made sure the final decision was yours.

Her last words about decisions in your life were:

"You've got to live with what you decide.  Look five years down the road and take your time with your choices.  I'll help you all I can, but ultimately it's up to you."

You Think She's Making the Wrong Choice
Right now you think she's making the wrong choice in staying where she is.  You feel that her safety may even be a concern in the next few years if she doesn't make some changes now.
She softens up, puts her arms around you and tells you she loves you.  "I'm just fine here you know.  You worry too much about me, but I do appreciate it!  We'll talk about it later."

She got away with it again…you feel.  In your mind there is unfinished business.  In her mind it's business as usual.  She's on her own and wants to stay that way.  You might be in for some hurtful confrontation if you don't put a family decision-making plan into place in the near future.  If you are right and her situation is actually deteriorating, she may not be able to make clear, rational decisions when the time comes.  If you are wrong and try to force her to make choices too early, you will alienate yourself from your own Mother.

As your years increase, who should decide what in your family?  Will you all just coast along and hope that everything works itself out or will you put a plan in place now that you all agree with?

In this culture we push independence like it was sacred. Even when we see someone making a horrible mistake, we tend to let them go because we don't want to be "meddlers."  Should you consider giving up a small amount of independence now for the comfort and security of future help when you really need it?  Of course, adult children should allow their parents to take some risk, but at what cost?  Many adult children feel trapped in a no-win situation:

Say nothing and feel guilty for the rest of your life if something terrible happens to your parent - or-
Push your point and feel a coldness creep over your relationship with your Mom and Dad.
So, Who Should Decide What And For Whom?
Is there one member in your family who gets stuck with making all the decisions?  They have always been looked upon as the wise one and the rest of you have left everything up to them.  Everyone seems to disappear when the tough choices come up.  You would be well advised to decide right now to make major decision as a complete family before your elderly parents age any more.

Here's The Plan:  Write down all the future decisions that you can think of.  For example: Where will Mom and Dad live when they can't drive anymore?  Distribute the list when they can't drive anymore.  Distribute the list of future decisions to your entire family.  Sometimes great wisdom comes from sixteen year-olds as well!  Take the risk and meet as a family as soon as possible.  These issues are very sensitive.  Remind each other constantly that difficult decisions made are not a reflection of your love for each other.… Learn to accept each other's decisions after they've gone through the "family decision making process."

Always ask this final question: Is this decision the best interests of the other person or is it really in my best interest and for my convenience?