一個美國「華漂」的真心告白：在中國的感覺真好

時間：12-11   來源：新浪博客   


北京有很多「北漂」。北京和其他城市，也漂著不少老外，其中，有貨真價實的美國人，當然，也有假冒偽劣品。我姑且把他們都叫做「華漂」。

美國青年喬治(George Ding)是從美國飄洋過海到中國的，在中國混了些年，是個典型的「華漂」。兩個月前，覺得膩了，便打道回府，回美國老家了。才住了幾天，就受不了，最後，不顧什麼「好馬不吃回頭草」的中國老話，弄了張單程機票，又折回北京。好比汪峰所唱，「在這兒有太多讓我眷戀的東西」，決意「我在這裡活著也在這兒死去」。他的狐朋狗友見到就問他，「咋又回來了?」喬治煩了，索性在英語的「北京人」網站發帖子「真情告白」，省得「被祥林嫂」。下面，是我翻譯的「喬治告白」。(英文原文附后)。

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為啥我又回到中國?

好似我以前的無數的「華漂」，兩個月前，我決定，該離開中國了。咋說呢?在美國老家呆了兩個月，我又決定回來了。

我知道你在想：「我不是剛參加這丫的告別爬梯嗎?他咋TMD弄回原來的工作?他不是剛把書架賣給我嗎?」

我現在沒閑功夫跟你丫費口舌。不管是丫的哪個買了我書架的，我得要回來。

打從我回到這兒，很多人問我：「我以為你丫膩煩了中國哩。啥又讓你丫吃回頭草了?」

首先，我可從來沒有說過我對中國膩煩了。

第二，我其實是更膩煩美國了。

那，我為啥會離開中國?為啥我大張旗鼓離開中國后又回來了?

說起來像是傻逼，不過我確實想念那不需要用鋼崩兒的日子。在美國，買一包口香糖，結果找回三磅重的鋼崩兒，那隻能說是件讓人發瘋的事兒。那鋼崩兒沉甸甸的，把牛仔褲都弄萎了。

另一個原因，是我找不到一個配得上我那經歷豐富的簡歷的工作。對我的中國經歷，大多數的僱主並不當作什麼菜。那些看重我中國經歷的，卻很納悶：這丫的在北京呆了五年了，咋還沒拿下中文?好像那些歪歪扭扭筆劃的語言是那麼容易似的。最後，我在美國找不到教英語的工作，因為，看來你得先要弄個博士什麼的。

掏心窩子說，我原以為回到我的老家就有回家的感覺。但是，家，並不是所說的，心在哪兒，哪兒就是你的家。事實上，如果在家裡，老爸老媽整天對你嘮叨，那在家裡就是件無法忍受的遭罪事兒。「你啥時去弄個工作?」「你啥時搬出地下室?」「你有沒有從放錢的抽屜里拿了40美元?」

如果我徹底掏心窩子，我得說，我還想念的是，我不會因為僅僅是個外國人而成為人們注意的中心。我根本沒指望我回到美國老家就意味著我不會被當作外人來看待。可我也沒有想到，我回老家后的反向的文化衝擊。在過馬路時，汽車都停了下來，讓我先走，讓我感到自覺性的存在。我說英語「出口成臟」，忘了他們都是懂英語的。我不止一次被A&F服裝店扔了出去，因為我討價還價堅持說他們的服裝是山寨品。還有，瓶裝水要2美元?熨燙一件體恤衫要20美元?宮保雞丁要7美元95美分，還得加稅，還不送米飯。你丫瞧瞧，金融危機!

一天，老媽讓我收拾了地下室。我往深里反省，問我自己：不錯，在美國，你到處能喝到冰水，可是，你無力請一個阿姨來為你清潔房間，那有啥好?

所以，我對星巴克的經理說，老子不幹了。拿了老爸老媽抽屜里40美元現金，訂了張單程機票，回到那個能夠收留我這類痞子的地方。

我還能說啥呢?回來真好。不用付小費，不用被服務員白眼訓斥，或是被經理攆出餐館，--感覺真好。可以非法下載電影，也沒有什麼康卡斯特公司來切斷你的網際網路，--感覺真好。不必再使用鋼崩兒，--感覺真好。

你丫來吧，就叫我是個吃回頭草的失敗者吧。要知道，就是這個失敗者，給有錢人家教孩子英語，一小時能掙三百塊。世界上所有的「油缸」和「非死不可」來跟我換，我都不會換。

如果說，這次回美國教會了我什麼東西，那就是，你出生的國家就像你的老婆。有時候，你在一個地方呆長了，你就會開始想知道，外面有些啥花樣。你就會跟其他國家「拋媚眼」，並付諸行動。哇，哇!MD，她們全都那麼瘋狂，或者保養得超級好。

我想說的是，中國，其他國家跟她比，屁都不是。很顯然，我們仍然都還互相需要對方。我發誓，再也不到處亂竄了。是的，阿Sir，這次，我就不走了。

Two months ago I decided, like countless expats before me, that it was time to leave China. Well, after spending two months home in America, I』ve decided to come right back.

Now I know what you』re thinking: Didn』t I just go to this guy』s going-away party? How the hell did he get his old job back? Didn』t he just sell me his bookcase?

I don』t have time to explain all that right now, but whoever bought my bookcase: I』m going to need that back.

Since arriving back here, I』ve had many people ask me, 「I thought you were sick of China. What convinced you to come back?」

First of all, I never said I was sick of China.

Second of all, I』m even more sick of the United States.

So why did I do it? Why did I come back after leaving with such fanfare?

This is going to sound crazy but I missed not having to use coins. Buying a pack of gum and getting three pounds of change back is just crazy. Plus they make your jeans sag.

Another reason is that I couldn』t find a job worthy of my extensive resume. Most employers didn』t give a lick how much China experience I had, and those who did were surprised that I didn』t pick up Mandarin in the five years I spent in Beijing. As if a language made up of squiggles is that easy to learn. In the end, I couldn』t even get a job teaching English in the States, because apparently you need like a Ph.D. or something.

Honestly, I thought I』d feel more at home back home, but let』s just say that home wasn』t exactly where the heart is. In fact, being home is downright unbearable when your parents are constantly nagging you. When are you going to get a job? When are you going to move out of the basement? Did you take $40 from the cash drawer?

If I』m being perfectly frank, I also missed not being the center of attention just because I was foreign. I hadn』t counted on the fact that going back to my home country meant that I was not going to be a foreigner at all.

I hadn』t anticipated the reverse culture shock of going back either. Cars stopping for me at crosswalks made me feel self-conscious. I』d talk shit about people in English, forgetting they could understand the language. More than once I was thrown out of Abercrombie & Fitch for haggling and insisting that their clothes were knock-offs. And the prices. $2 for a bottled water? $20 for an ironic T-shirt? $7.95 plus tax for Kung Pao Chicken, not including rice?! Financial crisis my ass.

Then one day, after my mom made me clean the basement, I delved deep and asked myself: Sure, you can get ice water everywhere, but what good is that when you can』t hire an ayi to clean your room for you?

So I told my manager at Starbucks to shove it, took $40 from my parents』 cash drawer, and bought a one-way ticket back to the only place that could handle a pimp like me.

And what can I say? It』s nice to be back. It』s nice to not tip and not be harangued by the waiter or chased out of the restaurant by the maître d』. It』s nice to illegally download movies and not have Comcast cut off your Internet. It』s nice to not have to use coins.

Go ahead, call me a Loser Back Home. Just know that this LBH makes 300 kuai an hour tutoring rich people』s kids. I wouldn』t trade that for all the YouTube and Facebook in the world.

If this trip home has taught me anything, it』s that the country you live in is like a wife. Sometimes, when you』ve been in one place too long, you start to wonder what else is out there. So you flirt with other countries and realize that, holy shit, they are all crazy or super high-maintenance.

What I』m trying to say, China, is that those other countries didn』t mean a thing. It』s obvious we still need each other. No more running around, I promise. No sir – this time, I』m here to stay.