陰差陽錯

我的朋友剛發給我的笑話，說是在**的 攝影沙龍 里發現的，原文是英文，由一個女孩子貼出。我試著把它翻譯成中文（翻譯得不好請大家指正）：

史密斯夫婦婚後一直沒懷上孩子，因此決定僱用一個「代用父親」來完成這一傳宗接代的大事。在「替代父親」到來的那天，史密斯先生向太太吻別並說：「好了，我要離開了，那個人應該快到了。」


半小時后，一個偶然的事情發生了。一個挨家挨戶上門攝影的兒童攝影師按響了門鈴，希望能談成一樁生意。「早上好，太太」，他打招呼說，「我是來……」

「噢，你不需要解釋了」史密斯太太有點難為情地打斷他的話，「我在等你呢」

「真的？」攝影師驚訝地說。「那太好了，你知不知道嬰兒是我的專長？」

「是啊，那正是我和我的先生所期望的。請進來坐吧」

呆了一會後，她紅著臉問，「那，我們從哪開始呢？」

「你就交給我吧，我通常會分別在浴缸里，在沙發上，或者在床上試一兩次；有時在客廳的地上也會是很美好的，你在那裡可以充分舒展開」

「浴缸？客廳地上？怪不得我和哈利不行呢！」

「可是，太太，沒有人能保證每次都能成功的。但是，如果我們試著用不同的姿勢，然後我再從六七個不同的角度來攝（射），我擔保你會對結果非常滿意的」

「天啊，那太多了吧？」史密斯太太倒吸一口氣說。

「太太，以我的工作而言，這真正的男人一定會花很多時間在這上面。我倒想一進一出五分鐘內搞定，但那樣的話我相信你一定會很失望的」

「難道我不清楚嗎？」 史密斯太太輕聲地說

攝影師打開他的箱子拿出他的攝影作品，「這是在公車頂上完成的傑作」他介紹說

「天哪！」 史密斯太太尖叫著，並倒吸一口冷氣

「還有，這對雙胞胎事實上證明非常成功，要知道他們的媽媽是多麼的難侍候」

「她很難侍候？」 史密斯太太問

「我想是的，到最後我不得不帶她到公園去才把我的工作完成好。人們圍了四五圈在圍觀哪」

「圍了四五圈的人？」 史密斯太太眼睛睜得大大的

「是啊」攝影師說「而且花了三個多小時。那個媽媽還不停地大聲叫喊,……我都沒辦法集中。當夜幕來臨時，我不得不加快動作。最後，當那隻松鼠開始嚼我的工具時，我不得不收場了。」


史密斯太太傾前問道「你是說那松鼠真的咬你的…mm…『工具』？」

「當然是真的了。哦，太太，你要是準備好了的話，我就要架起我的三腳架了，我們馬上就可以開始了」

「三腳架？」

「是啊，太太，我要用三腳架去放我的長筒炮，它太大太長了，不好用手拿」

史密斯太太當場昏倒 ……



英文原文：
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate (代用) father to start their family. On the day the proxy (替代) husband was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod (三角架) and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon (pronunciation is similar to cannon) on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted。。。

笑暈了~
不過這似乎不象是西人的原作,感覺是中國人的傑作~

孤舟獨釣: 笑暈了~
不過這似乎不象是西人的原作,感覺是中國人的傑作~

我想也是。

老俵補碗---自顧自