A collection of choice specimens of funny jokes/笑話集錦

千萬記得別抽煙
候\室e坐著一位n心忡忡的病人，t生舅r，
他M面愁容的f：「t生，怎Nk？我昨天`喝下一瓶汽油！」
t生回答他f：「喔..]PS啦！得@天不要抽！」


Do remember not to smoke
A much worried patient walked into doctor's office asking for help:
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!"
"Oh,...Don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days!"  

一位病重的老人即⑺廊ァ
t生J橐呀不需要再[m他的病情了，
便在巡房後淼嚼先說牟〈才浴
「你的病已很樂亓恕！貫t生告V他。
「我相信你必然想知道事，F在你想什N人幔俊
弱的老人c了c^f：「是的！」
他用乎不的音f：「我想看另一位t生。」

An old man was dying of illness.
His doctor, thinking it was no longer necessary to hide anything from him, came down to his bedside:
"Since it has got so bad, I believe you need to know the truth now." Then the doctor asked the old man:
"Tell me, is there anyone you wish to see?"
The old man struggled to utter a word: "Yes!" And whispered:
"Would you please find me another doctor?"

一位D人抱著BABY到一gDa科。
t生D人f：BABY是吃母乳是牛奶啊？
D人：吃母乳！
t生：那你把衣服下懟
D人：啊！？槭顫N？
t生：你不用o，@e是Da科，^不δ閿腥魏吻址傅摹
D人半信半疑的去了上衣。
t生用他的手在D人的胸部上摸摸，下摸摸，左搓搓，右揉揉。
@D人f：y怪BABYIB不良，根本就]有母乳嘛！
D人：U！我然]有母乳；我是他爸的小姨！

Holding a baby in her arms, a woman visited a gynecologist.
"Is the baby breast fed or is he on bottle?" asked the doctor.
"Breast fed, of course!" replied the woman.
"Take off your clothes, please." the doctor ordered.
"What? ...But why?"
"Don't worry. you're in a gynecology clinic and I'll just do a routine medical check for you."
The woman reluctantly took off her clothes.
The doctor carefully examined the woman's breasts, groping his fingers around and pressing repeatedly.
When finished, the doctor said to the woman:"No wonder the baby is malnourished. You have no milk at all!"
The woman replied angrily:"Nonsense! Of course not. I am the baby's aunt!"

They are so funny stories in some aspects, however, they also spoke out their reall feeling when they were in suffering.

脫光了衣服跟他干

     有一天，兩隻麻雀坐在一棵樹上吹牛。

    　　大麻雀對小麻雀說：」我可厲害了，什麼動作我都可以做得出來。像俯衝啊，盤旋呀，什麼高難度的動作我不會呀？」小麻雀很是不服氣，可一時又找不出什麼好的法子要難為它。恰好樹下有一個屠夫正在切肉。於是，小麻雀就對大麻雀說：「你不是厲害嗎？那你有本事飛下去從屠夫手中弄塊肉上來嗎？」大麻雀笑笑說：「小KS!」於是一個俯衝，飛到桌上叼了一塊肉就要飛上樹，可一下子被屠夫抓了個正著！屠夫非常生氣，便一根一根地拔大麻雀的毛。大麻雀只呼：HELP! HELP!

    　　小麻雀實在看不過去了。一下子飛下去，沖著屠夫的手就咬了一口，屠夫手一疼便把大麻雀放了，大麻雀拚命飛上樹來，小麻雀說：「這下不吹牛了吧，要不是我救你，你早活不成了。」可大麻雀說：「誰要你救我呀？我正準備脫光了衣服跟他干呢。」


I just took off my clothes to prepare for a good fight

One day, two house sparrows sat on a tree and chatted.

The bigger sparrow said to the smaller sparrow:"I am so capable! Dive steeply, fly in circle, any difficult moves, you just name it!" Unconvinced and wanting to embarrass the boaster, the smaller sparrow suggested to the bigger sparrow when seeing a butcher slicing meat under the tree:"So you are capable. Why don't you then steal a piece of meat from the butcher down there?" With a smile the bigger sparrow replied:"A small case!" then dived from the tree to pick a meat piece from the butcher's table, but was caught immediately. The butcher was so angry that he pulled off feather one by one from the bigger sparrow making it to cry aloud: Help! Help!

The smaller sparrow could stand no more and flied to bite the butcher on the hand. In pain, the butcher released the bigger sparrow. When returned onto the tree, the smaller sparrow mocked:"You have nothing to brag about now. You would be dead had I not come to rescue you." "No." replied the halfly stripped:"I just took off my clothes to prepare for a good fight."[/FONT]

really, you made the above jokes? wonderful stuff makes me laugh lots.

sorry, bluepolish. only the english version is mine. the chinese is original and circulates on the internet. it is a copy of my exercises posted in another website where the rules are different that only the english part counts. now i have changed the thread title tag to "sharing." hope this would remove any potential misunderstanding...

1. 兩個記者在森林中拍攝熊吃魚的鏡頭，忽然熊發現了他們並向他們衝過來，兩個記者拚命的跑，最後都要跑不動了。一個記者說：「我們怎麼辦？這時另一個記者對他的同伴說：我也不知道，不過我們中的一個要上鏡頭了……」[/COLOR]
While taking photos of a bear eating fish in the forest, two journalists found the annoyed beast turned around to chase them. In running, one journalist said to the other:"Can't run any more! What should we do?" "No idea. But  one of us will have his photo on the headline (tomorrow)." replied his colleague.

2.一個小學生的父親警告他說:「如果沒有超過60分，准有人挨巴掌！」到了學校，小學生憂心忡忡的找來老師，並對老師說：「不是我嚇唬您啊！我爸爸說了，如果我再不及格准有人挨巴掌！」[/COLOR]
After receiving warnings from his father, a pupil was so worried that he came to school to tell his teacher:"I don't mean to frighten you but my father said somebody would surely get slapped on face if I failed the exam again."

3.在一個大風雪天，一位教授開車去75公里的大學去上課。他發現教室里只有一個人坐在那裡，等了一回兒還沒見其他人來。於是他匆忙講完課正準備離開，唯一一個聽他的課的人叫住他對他說：「喂,你別走！該我上課了。」[/COLOR]
On a snowstorm day, a college professor drove 75 kilos to teach only to find one audience in the classroom. Then, when he finished lecturing and was ready to leave, the person that has been sitting in the audience seat stopped him:"Don't go! I'm the next lecturer scheduled for this room."  

4.一對夫婦吵架了，誰也不和對方說話。 第二天，丈夫因為一大早要去開會，所以希望太太早上能叫醒他。但是他又不願意先說話，於是就拿了一張紙條給太太，上面寫道：「明天早上七點叫我起床」第二天早上，丈夫起床的時候已經八點了，他又急又氣，突然發現一張紙條放在床頭上，上面寫道：「死鬼！七點二十了。快起床。」[/COLOR]
A couple stopped talking to each other after a quarrel. However, the husband was worried about to catch up a meeting early next morning, so he wrote his wife a note:"lease wake me up at 7:00am." The next morning, he was upset to wake up at 8:00. Then he saw a note at his bedside:"Wake up you stupid! It's 7:20 now."  

5.一位先生去赴宴遲到了，匆忙入座后，發現自己的座位正對著乳豬，於是大為高興的說：「還不錯，我坐在乳豬的旁邊。」這時才發現身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相視，他忙陪笑改口到：「對不起，我說的是那隻烤好的。」[/COLOR]
A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig." But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

[RIGHT](Revised by sasha)[/COLOR][/RIGHT]

昨晚酒喝醉，抱著小姨睡，惹得全家都責備。
岳父說：三瓶啤酒怎會醉？
岳母說：換成別人該收費。
老婆說：像你這樣累不累？
小姨說：有幾個姿勢不到位。[/COLOR]

Drunken last night, I held my sister-in-law to go sleep and was blamed by the whole family after waking up the next day.
My father-in-law suspected: How could you get drunken for only three beers?
My mother-in-law claimed: You would be charged if you were not my son-in-law!
My wife mocked: Weren't you tired sleeping that way?
My sister-in-law commented: Some of the positions were not right.

Hi, Adelyn, it is very good to read jokes, Sometimes we need some stuff to switch our "brain", thanks for bringing good materials to refresh my brain. Hopefully I can read more jokes from you and somebody else.

有一美媚在某IT企業工作。有一天早上，天氣特別好，IT美眉正全神貫注的工作，裙子被抽屜夾住了都沒有察覺。當她站起身的時候裙子「嘶啦」一聲被撕破。

同事們都聞聲望來，IT美眉連忙拿起身邊一份IT雜誌遮住下面。不料，同事們竟哄堂大笑，原來那份雜誌的封面是在線遊戲廣告：「超大容量，可同時容納十萬用戶」。

IT美媚又拿起另一份雜誌。同事們又再次鬨笑，這份雜誌的封面是殺毒軟體：「小心病毒」。 IT美眉快氣昏了。

當她拿起第三份雜誌的時候就氣昏過去了。第三份雜誌是一本硬體雜誌，封面是U盤廣告：「即插即用」。

迷迷糊糊中還記得要把重點部位保護好，就隨手拉了第四本雜誌蓋上去，醒來的時候一看，是一本導購雜誌，上書：「三折大優惠！」 再次暈倒。



A sunny morning, a girl working in an IT company was so absorbed by her work that she didn't notice her skirt was gripped by her desk drawer. When she stood up, she heard a hissing sound and found her skirt torn.

On hearing the sound, her colleagues all turned around to watch her. The embarrassed girl had to pick up a magazine to cover the torn part of the skirt. But her colleagues all laughed seeing the magazine's cover page: Super Capacity Allowing 100,000 Users Simultaneously.

The girl switched to another magazine, which was for antivirus software. Again her colleagues laughed because this time, the cover page read: Virus! The girl fainted.

The girl then grabbed a hardware magazine. But unfortunately, the cover page was for a new USB HDD, captioned: Instant Plug-in.

Half conscious, she still remembered to cover up the key spot on her body with a fourth magazine. As soon as she woke up, she raised her head to take a look at the magazine's cover. It was a Shopping Guide with a banner: 30% Off!

She fainted once more.

清晨，金色的陽光照耀著大地。大學從床上爬起來，穿上褲子對我說：「你走，青春留下！」天啊，真不知道是我上了大學，還是大學上了我...
[version 1] A bright sunny morning, College gets up from the bed, puts on his pants, and says to me: "Leave your youth and go away." Confused. Is it me that screwed College's admission, or College that screwed me?

[version 2] One early morning, The golden sunlight is shining on the earth, Da Xue (College) gets up from the bed, puts on his pants, and says to me:"you go, and Qingchun (youth) stay." Confused. I don't know if I screwed Da Xue or Da Xue screwed me.

老教授將課本往講台上一摔，對著下面女生咆哮道：「我在上面這麼使勁，你們在下面卻毫無反應，而且總想睡覺，難道我就這麼無能嗎？！我給你們這麼多，你們接受的了嗎？！」
Throwing the textbook to bang on the bench, the old professor yelled at a classroom full of female students: "I have worked so hard up here. How can you be so indifferent and bored to sleep? Do you really think I wouldn't be able to make you all excited again? Remember, you have taken so much from me that you won't be able to absorb them all at once!"


有一天，我夢見自己在考試，結果醒來一看真的在考試...（我倒～～～）
One day, I dreamed of I was taking exams. When I woke up, I found that it was true...


每當遇到困難的時候，我都會掏出錢包看看女友照片，然後對自己說：「有什麼好怕的？不要灰心，難道還有什麼比她更難對付的嗎？」
Whenever I got into trouble, I would pull out my wallet to watch my girlfriend's photo. I then would feel much better: Nothing would be more difficult than her to fix up.


我最喜歡的日子：1月31日；我最討厭的日子：12月1日。
I like Jan 1, because it pronounces as one month thirty one dates in Chinese. I hate Dec 1, because its Chinese pronunciation is twelve months one date.

nice sharing like breeze as i come back. thx!

"Nonsense! Of course not. I am the baby's aunt!"

I like that one!

bluepolish, welcome back from a nice journey!  [:439:]


Pure, long time no see. how are you?  [:473:]

Thanks for keeping it on!

I think this is the funniest one. That day is really not the beauty's day! Sometimes hapless things come in a row to somebody; however, we need to be positive all the time. Thanks for the beauty for bringing us wonderful time, If this happend to  an ugly one, it will be very different.... I know every man is enjoying watching the beauty not because of her torn skirt, not because of her beauty...ha ha ha...

Hi, Adelyn, sometimes, thinking more will make people more smart and cultivate people with sense of humor. Hi, Adelyn and Bluepolish , if I have any mistakes in my postings, please point out... Thanks!!

most of them are pornographic jokes; if you think that way, thet are really funny!

enjoy!

this one is not a porn...


　　做孫子
　　一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進飯店就大聲嚷嚷：
　　「喂，有什麼好菜儘管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。」
　　服務員聽了很不是滋味：「哥兒們，錢多頂個屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做！」
　　年青人勃然大怒：「誰敢占老子的便宜？你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子？」
　　服務員慢條斯理地答道：「你爺爺！」

　　Grandson
　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:
　　"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."
　　Not like the way he talked, the waiter responded to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."
　　The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"
　　The waiter replied with ease:"Nobody. Just your grandfather."