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1.
This happens quite a bit, I think. Often, when one wants relaxation, certain thought pops up unannounced. The other day, I was taking a walk through town. A church』s announcement board said: Worship Hours: 9:30-11:30. Bang, just like that, the word "Worship" stuck with me for the rest of the way. Wow, what do they do during those two long hours? This thought refused to depart as I continued to walk for a total of four hours, my form of good exercise.
Through the years, I've had a hard time convincing others that I am not against personal faith of any shape and form. Maybe it has something to do with my persona, for I have a strong allergy towards the word worship. This reaction may have stemmed from the fact I grew up in a political frenzy, a horrid event with a pretty name, cultural revolution. The nightmare lasted ten years. It will take a lifetime or two to forget how folks had gone crazy and smashed each others' skulls open, literally. All of them claimed that their violence erupted from strong faith, defending the integrity of political loyalty. It was almost comic but ultimate tragic that the hostile sides were loyal to one Chairman Mao. It was a forced exhibit, from all corners of the society. The difference of the same faith could result in life and death struggle. That was absurd and unbelievable.
Smashing human skulls apiece also smashes my faith in any belief. The logic is so painfully obvious: no faith should reign supreme to human existence. Life is more precious and should be cherished. I must seek my own independent mind, for stupidity and frenzy should be avoided by all means. It had become a survival instinct. I shall not invest one ounce of energy into any blind belief.
Later, I learned that quite a few wars of epic scale were instigated by religious fanatics. That was no surprise to me at all. World Wars were criminal and anti-humanity. And the scars remain painful till this day. Some ghosts are still crying in their graves. One must remain adamant and cherish one』s independence amidst all kinds of calls for affiliation.
2.
When I was still a youngster in school, the country finally shook off the nightmare of the cultural revolution. Almost overnight the propaganda machine started to spew out the word science at an alarming rate, as if all the social ills could and would be cured by a magic portion of science. Faith of a different kind was rearing its ugly head. Could science comfort human soul? The smashing may have ended but suffering hadn』t. Healing needed time.
The country decided to move on. For one thing, they rushed many of us teens into science. They even rounded a few 11 year olds and 12 year olds into genius camps in the hope of a quick fix. Desperation was our life; life was put on overdrive; and the crazy feeling was prolonged. I admit the newly restored national examination changed my life. But it was in college I become disillusioned with science. Many folks were in science just to make living. Today it repulses me when someone wraps him or herself in the over-sized and multi-colored flag of science. Let's be honest. Science is just a paradigm, not absolute truth. As a scientist you may work to find truth but you don't represent truth.
Let's make this clear once for all. No matter how successful science and technology are in our time, our minds, our ideas, our thoughts, our feelings, emotions, desires, impulses, dreams, fantasies, are not entirely scientific, no matter which way you cut it. It is a crime, really, to reduce human minds into numbers, a series of cute symbols in a complicated equation which only the nerdiest nerds can figure out. Can we say this, or do we still have the right to say, that we are humans, not dots, numbers, symbols or whatever you scientific attitude likes to render us?
Science is human activity, not the other way around. Most scientific research starts with an assumption. An assumption is always subjective and needs a lot of funds and resources to prove it, right or wrong. Science contributes a great deal to life, because it makes a practice to seek evidence as opposed to make up stories. True scientists always feel humbled because truth humbles.
3.
I came to America in the 1980s. Most of the Chinese students here were either from Taiwan, Hong Kong or Indonesia and Malaysia, only a few of us came from the Mainland. After spending some time together, I was accused of being selfless. Maybe they were right. I didn』t notice that I had lost myself in endless revolution and slogan shooting. That was the moment when I suddenly understood when a poet named Yang Xiaobin wrote, "China, I lost my key." The society forced us to first reduce then lose ourselves completely. Eventually we were proud to be screws and bolts of a large machine. We were no longer human thus self wasn』t necessary.
Independence or self-reliance is a virtue. Non-affiliation has its wisdom and courage. I dislike those who pass their fear and insecurity or even inability to something bigger, see God, and become self-content with no effort in life. We are talking about self-respect here. One must lead one's own life and become a contributing member of the society. Unfortunately there are too many bus riders who constantly whine that they didn't get enough from the world outside. What world outside? You are in it; so, don't count yourself as an invited guest.
I also look down on those who pass their fear and insecurity to their children. The world isn』t as frightful as your little minds perceive. Let the child find out by herself, will you?
Independence has nothing to do narcissism which is a psychological disorder. Independence requires work, dedication. One must learn and study to have the strength to endure on. Independence is faith.
October 5, 2011
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