Colloquial Version [推薦]

The jokes are in colloquial language, that is, people who speak English from birth would tell the jokes like this between themselves. Notes are provided to explain more difficult words.

1.

A motorist, lost in the middle of the countryside, asked a local the way to Littlemorehampton. "Easy m'dear, take the little road on the right until you come to Humbert's farm."

"But I don't know which farm that is."

"Easy m'dear. It's right on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton."

Apostrophes (') appear in English either to show possession or to show that a letter is missing.
Humbert's farm = the farm of Humbert.
m'dear = my dear
don't = do not
When writers want to convey a regional accent they use a lot of apostrophes [:494:] [:487:]

2.

A couple of potential purchasers were being shown around a cheap flat by the estate agent. They were not impressed.

"One thing I would like to know above all," insisted the girl. "Is it insulated at least?"

"Yes," came a voice from upstairs. "But it didn't work."

an estate agent = someone whose profession is to arrange the purchase, sale or rent of accommodation

3.

The science teacher explained to his class that long waves can go round objects but short waves cannot. Seeing blank faces, he picked up his hat, held it in front of his face and asked the nearest pupil, "Can you see my face?"

"No sir."

"Can you hear my voice?"

"Yes sir."

"What does that show?" He hoped for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves short, but the boy retorted hopefully,

"You're talking through your hat, sir."

to talk through your hat = to talk nonsense

.

A young singer arrived for a gig in a small town. His impresario said, "Do your very best. The audience may not look much but people round here have suddenly become rich growing tomatoes."

"Tomatoes?" shouted the singer. "Forget it. I'm going back to London. Tomatoes cost the earth there - no one can afford to sling them around."

gig = performance
to sling = to throw

5.

"Well dear," asked the infant's new teacher, "Are you a good boy?"

"Actually," replied the child, "I'm the sort of brat my mummy is always telling me never to play with."

brat = horrible child
"with" is a preposition. In perfect English, you never end a sentence with a preposition. In reality you often do.

6.

A man complained to his neighbour at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."

"Did it work?"

"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."

Traditionally, men dislike their mothers-in-law. Note the plural is not mother-in-laws.

7

A customer in a shoe-shop heaved a sigh of relief: "At last, a pair that fits me."

"Not surprising," replied the weary salesman. "They're the ones you came in wearing, sir."

Pair is a collective, so some people say the verb should be singular: A pair that fits me. A pair is two shoes, so some people say the verb should be plural: A pair that fit me.

8.

A furious woman tackled her husband.

"It appears you've been telling everyone I'm a nag."

"On the contrary," he replied, "Everyone tells me."

"What?"

"It's true. And in reply, I only ask 'Who're you telling?'"

a nag = a woman who gives the same order again and again because her husband ignores her

9.

In the public house, an unmasked husband sighed to his friend: "When I think that some inventor spent months, years even, developing a lie detector! All they had to do was meet my wife."

"lie detector" is an example of taking one noun (lie) and making an adjective from it. You can do this many times and only the last noun remains a noun. For example: the Football World Cup Final.

10.

A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain, and its popularity. Afterwards, he said to a local,

"How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape."

"O no sir," came the reply. "Bulls don't move a muscle. It's cows that react to a red cape, sir."

"Then why did the bulls react so violently today?" insisted the foreigner.

"They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows."

it's = it is
its = belonging to it