普林斯頓媽寫給女兒的信

白露為霜注：普林斯頓是一個相當傳統的學校，這不僅體現在嚴謹的學風上，它直到1969年才開始錄取女生，在美國研究型大學中是最後一個這樣做的。蘇珊-巴頓 (Susan A. Patton )是最早的一批普林斯頓女生之一 (她是77屆的學生會主席)。幾天前她在校報「普林斯頓人日報」(The Daily Princetonian)上登出了一篇讀者來信，敦促普林斯頓女生在畢業之前找好丈夫。這篇有些「復古」的來信在這所常春藤盟校引起了軒然大波，和當年虎媽的那篇有的一拼。發表后贊同者有之，但批評者更多。拋開巴頓女士有點讓人反感的精英主義語調不說，你覺得她的理論有道理嗎？

給普林斯頓女生的忠告：寫給我從未有過的女兒

忘掉擁有一切，或者不擁有一切，倚靠(leaning in)或傾斜(Leaning out) - 這裡才是你真正應該知道，但又沒人告訴你的。

多年來（實際上是數十年年來），我們遭受有關專業發展的建議的狂轟濫炸，如何打破玻璃天花板以及如何實現工作與生活的平衡等等。我們對這點很清楚- 我們是普林斯頓的女性。如果有人可以克服專業上的障礙，這將是我們這些資質聰慧，足智多謀，又受過極佳教育的自我。

幾個星期前，我參加了在校園裡召開的婦女和領袖會議，校長雪莉-蒂爾格曼(Shirley Tilghman)和威爾遜學院教授安妮-瑪麗斯勞特之間的對話是會議的賣點之一。之後我參加了分組討論，讓現在的本科女生有機會在一個非正式的場合里同年紀大一些，或許明智一些的校友交流。我從1973年大學新鮮人以來最要好的朋友和我一起參加了此次活動。與會的學生對有關專業成就和網路的重要性的評論並不是太留意，然而，當一個人問起肯德爾是如何和我保持了40年的友誼，話題的色調和感興趣度都變了。你問我們是否互相嫉妒過，你問到我們的友誼的價值，問我們的丈夫和孩子。很顯然，你不需要更多的職業建議。在你的心裡，你知道有些你想要的東西卻沒有人提出建議。終生的朋友是其中之一，找到一個合適的人結婚是另一個。

七十年代中期當我還是一個本科生時候，我這一屆的200名女性先驅者常常談起在普林斯頓的滿是陽剛之氣的平原上穿行是​​以後尋求專業成功的前奏。作為一個從來不怯於發表不合潮流的意見的人，我說我要結婚生孩子。這被認為是異端邪說。

對於絕大多數人來說，你的未來和幸福的基石將同與你結婚的男人有著千絲萬縷的聯繫，你將永遠不會遇見這樣密度的值得你所愛的男人了。

我給你的忠告是：畢業前在學校里找到一個丈夫。是的，我有切身的經驗。

我是兩個兒子的母親，他們都是普林斯頓人。我的大兒子有良好的判斷力及運氣和他的同學結婚，但他是可以同任何人結婚的。我的小兒子是大三學生，他結婚的選擇範圍可以說是無限的。男人經常性地會娶年輕的，不那麼聰明，教育程度較低的女人。你可能很奇怪地發現男人會對缺少知識才華的女人相當寬容，如果她是特別漂亮的話。然而，聰明的女人不能（也不應該）和達不到至少是同她們的智力相當的男人結婚的。作為普林斯頓的女性，我們差不多把自己標價標到市場之外了(Priced ourselves out of the market)。簡單地說，男人中和我們一樣聰明或比我們更聰明的人口是非常少的。讓我再說一遍- 你將永遠不會被這麼多值得你的男人所包圍了。

當然一旦你畢業了，你也可能遇上和你的智力相當的男人 - 只是沒有多少這樣的人。你也可以選擇，除了一飛衝天的智力之外的其他的原因，嫁給一個男人。但是，沒同像你一樣聰明的人生活在一起最終會讓你挫折不已。

這裡還有一件事你知道，卻沒有人談論。當你是大學新鮮人的時候，有四個年級的男生們可以挑選。每過一年，你就失去了一個年級的選擇對象，你又比新進來的大一男生要大。所以當你到了大四的時候，你基本上只有自己這一屆的男生可選，而他們卻有四個年級的女生可選擇。也許你應該在還是新生的時候對他們好一點？

如果我有女兒，這是我會告訴她們的。

Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had

Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here』s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you.

For years (decades, really) we have been bombarded with advice on professional advancement, breaking through that glass ceiling and achieving work-life balance. We can figure that out — we are Princeton women. If anyone can overcome professional obstacles, it will be our brilliant, resourceful, very well-educated selves.

A few weeks ago, I attended the Women and Leadership conference on campus that featured a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter, and I participated in the breakout session afterward that allowed current undergraduatewomen to speak informally with older and presumably wiser alumnae. I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don』t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

When I was an undergraduate in the mid-seventies, the 200 pioneer women in my class would talk about navigating the virile plains of Princeton as a precursor to professional success. Never being one to shy away from expressing an unpopular opinion, I said that I wanted to get married and have children. It was seen as heresy.

For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Here』s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.

I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It』s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman』s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can』t (shouldn』t) marry men who aren』t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again — you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Of course, once you graduate, you will meet men who are your intellectual equal — just not that many of them. And, you could choose to marry a man who has other things to recommend him besides a soaring intellect. But ultimately, it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn』t as smart as you.

Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.

Susan A. Patton 』77
President of the Class of 1977
New York, N.Y.